It's so funny how I can come back here time after time. It's like a little home. I try writing other places online and it just never feels as good as right here, on this blog.

I have been up and down with my love life the past 7 or 8 months. Never truly 100% certain about what I wanted. It didn't make sense, though. It felt like I had all of the pieces in place to be a very happy person with a guy who loves me very much. I couldn't understand why I was so headstrong on either being single or pushing Tom away. And then one night it happened. Justin called me to talk and although he wasn't meaning to make me feel bad, he did. He made me cry. Like he always had. In a short conversation he managed to make me feel completely unspecial and like I was some sort of nutjob with eating issues and mental instability. I had thought being over Justin was enough. That we could be friends because, in all honesty, I had no desire to be with him and my feelings didn't exist. But the truth was, he was holding me down. Still making me feel like I was unworthy of feeling special and unworthy of feeling loved. He was a constant reminder of how awful someone treated me and how brainwashed I was into believing that I didn't deserve any better. And I kept that mindset as long as I allowed Justin to play even the smallest role in my life. He always told me that I wouldn't ever find someone to put up with the way I was. He made me feel clingy and annoying and like some petulant creature who constantly wanted to be around him. He made me feel like he dealt with the issues I had, but I should feel lucky because nobody else would love me like he did after all the stuff I deal with. So it made me afraid. Afraid to really love somebody because loving somebody meant opening myself up. It meant allowing them to see that I'm not as strong as I come across. That when I fall for somebody they mean more to me than anything I have in my life. And opening up to somebody is saying here's all the crazy things about me, please love me anyway. And I was convinced. Convinced that if I allowed Tom to see desperately in love Sarah, that he wouldn't want me anymore. That I would become annoying and clingy to him just like I had become to Justin. And I realized that I was keeping that mindset as long as I spoke to Justin.

So I cut him out. Stopped talking to him. And it was like a dark cloud was lifted. And I found myself enjoying Tom. And I found myself bit by bit learning to love Tom with an unguarded heart.

And here I am. Scared to death. Because I can feel myself getting to that stage where I surrender my heart and open it up to be really hurt. It's so so scary. But it feels so good at the same time. I can't sleep. I can't eat. All I can think about is him. I just hope that me feeling so strongly doesn't scare him.

Almost a year!

It has almost been a year since I last posted! ok...10 months. So not quite a year, but still! My life has taken a totally new direction. I was reading back on some old posts and it was so sad to see where I was. I was in this awfully dark place that felt inescapable. But I took the summer to really get to know myself and came back to school in the fall ready for what it had to give me. Luckily for me, it gave me the best semester of my life. I made memories with friends that I will never forget and I met the love of my life. The REAL love of my life. No guys to get over Justin. I was over Justin before school even began. That's how I knew I was ready for a relationship. Tom and I met on September 17th and I knew from that night that I would date him and be happy with him and he would be the one to heal me. I just KNEW it. We've been together for almost 5 months now and I am SO happy :) Everything about my life is happier. I have really truly worked hard to get to a content and happy place in my life. I couldn't be prouder of where I am at with my life. I have Tom to thank for so much of my happiness. Tom has taught me how to trust again. I didn't think that would ever be possible. Tom makes me feel so very beautiful and special every single day. I am so lucky! :)

:) :) :)

I am talking to this guy and he makes me laugh and he is like, SO SWEET. And something just feels really really at home when I talk to him. I don't know. He is a little bit older than me. He'll be 26 in mid May, but thats when Eric would turn 26 also so I guess I have dated that much older than me before.

ANYWAY, he is such a relaxed and nice guy. We have met a few times but he was dating my friend so it wasnt like...anything...but my friend that he used to date like two years ago was actually the one that said we should date and so he messaged me on facebook and we got to talking and its been really great ever since. haha...that was like a week ago, but he is seriously SO SWEET. omg...like its insane. I just feel my tummy get a little bit more and more tied in knots each time we talk :D yayyyyy! =)

Can someone give me the strength to walk away. I keep trying, only to get sucked back into the illusion that I actually fucking mean shit to him.

Oh yes and btw I am a fat fuck and apparently shoving my fingers down my throat doesn't make the weight come off anymore.

Fucking A

I wish I knew how you're supposed to let go of someone. I wish I knew the steps to take in order to be able to let someone go. I wish it was as easy as buying a kit at the local CVS and following instructions. NO...you know what I wish? I wish the things like "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" existed. You know, how they completely erased their exes from their brains. Ya. I wish I had that. But I dont, so I just need to always remind myself that I deserve better than what he gives me. I deserve someone who isn't going to lie to me and make me cry. I deserve so much better cause I am a beautiful girl who is smart and driven and ohya...with a mouth on her, too. fuckin a.

night.

Today I went black friday shopping with my family and it was so much fun. I didn't even buy anything for myself, but it was tons of fun helping my mom buy for my aunt and cousins and brother. I wish we could have shopped for longer, but we didn't because we brought my little bro and dad along with us and men....well..they get ansy and want to leave! SAD. But still, I had fun while we were there. And I got to look in the mac store AND seophora. *DROOL* I wish I could get a 100 dollar gift card to either of those stores and use them up!! My mom was SO SNEAKY. We were in sephora and I was at the Benefit section looking at blushes and I showed my mom Coralista and she was like "oh yes thats so pretty" and I told her how much I wanted it and then she like, led me over to another section and we looked a little bit and then she goes "ok, do you wanna just stay here while i check out? and I was like yeah....and then eventually I even walked over to her to stand by her while she checked out and was too busy looking at the knick knacks by the counter to realize SHE WAS BUYING MY BLUSH FOR ME. haha...The only way I found out was because I happen to look in the bags cause I was carrying them for her and I saw it and I was like..omg...CORALISTA. YESSS.

http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P229206


exciting huh? ahhh. i am so excited for christmas. I KNOW its not about presents, haha, but i can't help but be excited for makeup this xmas. You really have no idea how much joy my mom gets out of seeing us open our presents and be happy with what we've gotten. She won't even open her gifts because she sits there explaining all our gifts to us and telling us stories about what she went through to get this present and makes sure to tell us that if we dont like something that we can take it back...she just really enjoys buying for us so I have tried really hard to tell her things I want as I think of them. Nothing is worse than when people can't think of what they want, but I have been calling her for the past two months anytime i think of something i want, lol. BUT YA...so i am excited. And I am excited to get her gifts! There are certain candles that she REALLY loves. She asks for them every single year. They are expensive lol. But ya, she wants a set of brushes and she said just buy her cheap ones, but I refuse to buy my momma cheap target brushes. So in a compromise I am getting her a sigma brush set for 70. Its 12 brushes and comes with everything you need for face, eyes, and lips. Also, I am getting her a jar with little pebbles so she can store her brushes properly, and I am gonna get her one with her initials on it in green and pink. My room is green and pink themed and thats where she does her makeup so its so perfect! Here are those things.

http://www.sigmamakeup.com/products/701.html
http://glitzy-glam.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=12&products_id=69


see? neat huh? Anyway, I am thinking about starting videos on youtube. I just LOVE the makeup videos on youtube soooo........ya. I have been trying to hold back, but by winter break I can definitely see me doing videos. haha. Oh dear.

OK...END NOVEL. have a good night!

-Sarah

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! In such a better place!! If you knew me in "real" life you would never guess that I ever have issues with being happy. I am the happiest person that most people know, but I am human and am allowed to have my sad moments, right?

I feel really good about things. I always do. I just have a hard time with how things are with Justin and I, but I think with time I will be able to walk away from him for good. It will help when he is back in texas for work and I don't have to be close to him. I dunno. Its hard to explain. And there's nothing that hurts more when you finally realized you aren't wanted by the person you want. He doesn't want me. He can say he does, but he doesn't. And I am sure of it now. It just sucks cause the only other person I cared for besides justin just got a gf. He has been my friend since the first month of college and he has always loved me. He has tried so hard to be with me but I always ignored him..for who? JUSTIN. DAMMIT. I am so angry at myself. When justin would make me cry I would go to him and he would hold me and listen to me talk.

:( Why did I mess that up? I guess all I can do is hope and pray that him and his gf break up. Is that bad of me? lol. Ugh. I can hope. >.>


I am out!