TxPxDx

2011-07-19T00:58:00.002-04:00

It's so funny how I can come back here time after time. It's like a little home. I try writing other places online and it just never feels as good as right here, on this blog.

I have been up and down with my love life the past 7 or 8 months. Never truly 100% certain about what I wanted. It didn't make sense, though. It felt like I had all of the pieces in place to be a very happy person with a guy who loves me very much. I couldn't understand why I was so headstrong on either being single or pushing Tom away. And then one night it happened. Justin called me to talk and although he wasn't meaning to make me feel bad, he did. He made me cry. Like he always had. In a short conversation he managed to make me feel completely unspecial and like I was some sort of nutjob with eating issues and mental instability. I had thought being over Justin was enough. That we could be friends because, in all honesty, I had no desire to be with him and my feelings didn't exist. But the truth was, he was holding me down. Still making me feel like I was unworthy of feeling special and unworthy of feeling loved. He was a constant reminder of how awful someone treated me and how brainwashed I was into believing that I didn't deserve any better. And I kept that mindset as long as I allowed Justin to play even the smallest role in my life. He always told me that I wouldn't ever find someone to put up with the way I was. He made me feel clingy and annoying and like some petulant creature who constantly wanted to be around him. He made me feel like he dealt with the issues I had, but I should feel lucky because nobody else would love me like he did after all the stuff I deal with. So it made me afraid. Afraid to really love somebody because loving somebody meant opening myself up. It meant allowing them to see that I'm not as strong as I come across. That when I fall for somebody they mean more to me than anything I have in my life. And opening up to somebody is saying here's all the crazy things about me, please love me anyway. And I was convinced. Convinced that if I allowed Tom to see desperately in love Sarah, that he wouldn't want me anymore. That I would become annoying and clingy to him just like I had become to Justin. And I realized that I was keeping that mindset as long as I spoke to Justin.

So I cut him out. Stopped talking to him. And it was like a dark cloud was lifted. And I found myself enjoying Tom. And I found myself bit by bit learning to love Tom with an unguarded heart.

And here I am. Scared to death. Because I can feel myself getting to that stage where I surrender my heart and open it up to be really hurt. It's so so scary. But it feels so good at the same time. I can't sleep. I can't eat. All I can think about is him. I just hope that me feeling so strongly doesn't scare him.

Almost a year!

2011-03-02T21:05:00.003-05:00

It has almost been a year since I last posted! ok...10 months. So not quite a year, but still! My life has taken a totally new direction. I was reading back on some old posts and it was so sad to see where I was. I was in this awfully dark place that felt inescapable. But I took the summer to really get to know myself and came back to school in the fall ready for what it had to give me. Luckily for me, it gave me the best semester of my life. I made memories with friends that I will never forget and I met the love of my life. The REAL love of my life. No guys to get over Justin. I was over Justin before school even began. That's how I knew I was ready for a relationship. Tom and I met on September 17th and I knew from that night that I would date him and be happy with him and he would be the one to heal me. I just KNEW it. We've been together for almost 5 months now and I am SO happy :) Everything about my life is happier. I have really truly worked hard to get to a content and happy place in my life. I couldn't be prouder of where I am at with my life. I have Tom to thank for so much of my happiness. Tom has taught me how to trust again. I didn't think that would ever be possible. Tom makes me feel so very beautiful and special every single day. I am so lucky! :)

2010-04-30T01:02:00.002-04:00

:) :) :)

I am talking to this guy and he makes me laugh and he is like, SO SWEET. And something just feels really really at home when I talk to him. I don't know. He is a little bit older than me. He'll be 26 in mid May, but thats when Eric would turn 26 also so I guess I have dated that much older than me before.

ANYWAY, he is such a relaxed and nice guy. We have met a few times but he was dating my friend so it wasnt like...anything...but my friend that he used to date like two years ago was actually the one that said we should date and so he messaged me on facebook and we got to talking and its been really great ever since. haha...that was like a week ago, but he is seriously SO SWEET. omg...like its insane. I just feel my tummy get a little bit more and more tied in knots each time we talk :D yayyyyy! =)

2010-04-19T23:28:00.002-04:00

Can someone give me the strength to walk away. I keep trying, only to get sucked back into the illusion that I actually fucking mean shit to him.

Oh yes and btw I am a fat fuck and apparently shoving my fingers down my throat doesn't make the weight come off anymore.

Fucking A

2010-04-14T18:37:00.003-04:00

I wish I knew how you're supposed to let go of someone. I wish I knew the steps to take in order to be able to let someone go. I wish it was as easy as buying a kit at the local CVS and following instructions. NO...you know what I wish? I wish the things like "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" existed. You know, how they completely erased their exes from their brains. Ya. I wish I had that. But I dont, so I just need to always remind myself that I deserve better than what he gives me. I deserve someone who isn't going to lie to me and make me cry. I deserve so much better cause I am a beautiful girl who is smart and driven and ohya...with a mouth on her, too. fuckin a.

night.

2009-11-27T22:16:00.002-05:00

Today I went black friday shopping with my family and it was so much fun. I didn't even buy anything for myself, but it was tons of fun helping my mom buy for my aunt and cousins and brother. I wish we could have shopped for longer, but we didn't because we brought my little bro and dad along with us and men....well..they get ansy and want to leave! SAD. But still, I had fun while we were there. And I got to look in the mac store AND seophora. *DROOL* I wish I could get a 100 dollar gift card to either of those stores and use them up!! My mom was SO SNEAKY. We were in sephora and I was at the Benefit section looking at blushes and I showed my mom Coralista and she was like "oh yes thats so pretty" and I told her how much I wanted it and then she like, led me over to another section and we looked a little bit and then she goes "ok, do you wanna just stay here while i check out? and I was like yeah....and then eventually I even walked over to her to stand by her while she checked out and was too busy looking at the knick knacks by the counter to realize SHE WAS BUYING MY BLUSH FOR ME. haha...The only way I found out was because I happen to look in the bags cause I was carrying them for her and I saw it and I was like..omg...CORALISTA. YESSS.

http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P229206

exciting huh? ahhh. i am so excited for christmas. I KNOW its not about presents, haha, but i can't help but be excited for makeup this xmas. You really have no idea how much joy my mom gets out of seeing us open our presents and be happy with what we've gotten. She won't even open her gifts because she sits there explaining all our gifts to us and telling us stories about what she went through to get this present and makes sure to tell us that if we dont like something that we can take it back...she just really enjoys buying for us so I have tried really hard to tell her things I want as I think of them. Nothing is worse than when people can't think of what they want, but I have been calling her for the past two months anytime i think of something i want, lol. BUT YA...so i am excited. And I am excited to get her gifts! There are certain candles that she REALLY loves. She asks for them every single year. They are expensive lol. But ya, she wants a set of brushes and she said just buy her cheap ones, but I refuse to buy my momma cheap target brushes. So in a compromise I am getting her a sigma brush set for 70. Its 12 brushes and comes with everything you need for face, eyes, and lips. Also, I am getting her a jar with little pebbles so she can store her brushes properly, and I am gonna get her one with her initials on it in green and pink. My room is green and pink themed and thats where she does her makeup so its so perfect! Here are those things.

http://www.sigmamakeup.com/products/701.html
http://glitzy-glam.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=12&products_id=69

see? neat huh? Anyway, I am thinking about starting videos on youtube. I just LOVE the makeup videos on youtube soooo........ya. I have been trying to hold back, but by winter break I can definitely see me doing videos. haha. Oh dear.

OK...END NOVEL. have a good night!

-Sarah

2009-11-27T00:06:00.002-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! In such a better place!! If you knew me in "real" life you would never guess that I ever have issues with being happy. I am the happiest person that most people know, but I am human and am allowed to have my sad moments, right?

I feel really good about things. I always do. I just have a hard time with how things are with Justin and I, but I think with time I will be able to walk away from him for good. It will help when he is back in texas for work and I don't have to be close to him. I dunno. Its hard to explain. And there's nothing that hurts more when you finally realized you aren't wanted by the person you want. He doesn't want me. He can say he does, but he doesn't. And I am sure of it now. It just sucks cause the only other person I cared for besides justin just got a gf. He has been my friend since the first month of college and he has always loved me. He has tried so hard to be with me but I always ignored him..for who? JUSTIN. DAMMIT. I am so angry at myself. When justin would make me cry I would go to him and he would hold me and listen to me talk.

:( Why did I mess that up? I guess all I can do is hope and pray that him and his gf break up. Is that bad of me? lol. Ugh. I can hope. >.>

I am out!

2009-11-21T01:26:00.002-05:00

I used to think that I only wrote in here when I was sad. But when I was looking at old posts I used to write so much. I had so much on my mind. I look now and I am so hallow. Nothing to contribute to this blog. Nothing of substance. You are truly sad when you don't have enough desire to do the things that use to make you feel good....like write. I have been so happy for most of this semester and just like that the life has been completely sucked out of me.

2009-11-21T00:49:00.002-05:00

I don't have it in me to convince anyone to stay in my life. I went from having every emotion to having none. Where has my heart gone. I feel so empty that I swear it must have left me. Its the only reasonable explanation as to why i feel so much nothing.

I saw New Moon today. The scene where she is just extremely sad, I had to hold back tears. I felt like that was me. Just.........alone.

2009-11-18T02:40:00.001-05:00

i can't read the words of yesteryear because they hurt too much. they remind me of every choice i have made wrong in my life and how much different things could have been.

2009-11-18T02:07:00.002-05:00

Hurting and feeling pain is like being trapped in an awful awful box and the box is closing in on you and you feel like there is no way out. There is no solution. You are bound within this box. This box of darkness is the only thing you will know. It's all so hopeless. You are trapped in a box with every emotion that you never wanted to have. Lonliness. Sadness. Hurt. Pain.

I hate it :(

2009-08-31T02:57:00.002-04:00

Why is there always this waging war in my head over who I should end up with. I always tell myself that Justin is the one that I want to be with in the end, but I am beginning to think that there are some things that even the closest of feelings and toughest of love can't get over. I wish someone would come in and make decisions for me. I am waiting for all the men in my life to leave. Leave me alone so I have to start back at the beginning. Clean slate. With no past part of my life flying in and destroying the present. I want someone to do this for me because I can't. I am so tired. good news is...school is going well. lovely.

2009-08-17T12:09:00.002-04:00

Hey. So I broke up with Eric. lol. It's kind of bad how not sad I am over it. I was for like, a day, but when your heart belongs to someone else its hard to be upset about any other person. Anyway, thats not even what I am on here for. I need to VENT....BIG TIME about my friend. GRRRRR. And I didn't know where else to do it so here goes..prepare for a lot to read!

My very best friend in the entire world, who I love like a literal part of my family makes me want to scream. She is so bad at choosing what guys she wants to date, its ridiculous. And I know its not really my business, except it is my business because I care about her and I am so sick of seeing her get hurt by these assholes that come into her life and treat her like shit. She is talking to this kid and let me tell you about his past. He was so messed up on drugs like 3 years ago that when someone offered him a couple hundred dollars to go shoot someone, HE DID IT. He shot someone. They didn't die, but he shot them. While messed up on drugs. Uh..hello? Is that not a bad sign? And then on top of that he is supposed to be some changed guy or whatever, but he calls her up a couple weeks ago drunk off his ass and tells her she's a bitch and a jerk and to leave him alone cause he is talking to his ex again. Umm..really? Maybe I will come off as conceited, but I find myself to be worth way more than that. Any guy who would ever do that to me does not deserve to be in my life even for an instant. I am too young, pretty, smart, and talented to deal with losers who want to talk to me like that. But my friend just TAKES IT. And she wonders why these guys end up either cheating on her, telling her how fat and ugly she is (which she is NEITHER!), or hitting/burning her. But all she can ever think about is "he's so hot". AHHHHH. If a guy does not have a good personality, I do not care if he is freaking Brad Pitt, I will not give him the time of day. But she will do anything for a good looking guy thats into her and its sad. And the thing is, these guys aren't even that good looking. lol. I don't know. I wish for once she would look at guys in a mature way and realize that you cant be so shallow if you ever want to find someone to be happy with for the rest of your life. One of the reasons I dumped Eric was because I saw something somewhere that said, "Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other." And it scared me to death. And all I could picture was Eric and I, 75 years old sitting in the living room reading books and magazines and all he can contribute to conversation are jokes in which a 10 year old could be more clever. And I thought about Justin and how much I truly enjoy talking to Justin and how easily conversation comes for us. In the end, your remaining years on this planet, if you are lucky and manage to excape the plague of divorce sweeping the nation, are spent with your spouse. So you better choose one that is worth spending your time with. In the end, they are the person thats there by your side. Who do I want there by my side. I know its a long way down the road, but when my times comes I want to look back on my life and remember all the good times I had. Not that I dated someone who used to be hot. lol

I don't know. I am rambling now.

2009-08-09T21:42:00.003-04:00

I am still in love with justin and I fear that for the rest of my life I will be. How am I supposed to get married and be happy when i forever feel that my other half got away? I am with the most caring man I have ever been with. He is so kind and so sweet. So sensitive. Letting me rent what movie I want to rent just to see a smile on my face. Holding me close in the movie theater because I am cold and forgot my sweatshirt. Giving me kissies on my hand in the car while he drives because he knows it gives me butterflies in my tummy. An accountant with a stable job. Making good money. My parents think he is great. My mom even went and told my grandpa about him. I am digging myself further and further into this relationship, but yet all I can think about is my best friend....1000 miles away in Texas. Who, in less than 2 weeks, will be back in Indiana. A 5 minute drive away. The person who will always be my match. The person who, even if I tried, I couldn't walk away from and never talk to again. No one will ever match me the way he does. We are literally the oppsite gender version of each other and when I look at my future I see him.

How did i get myself here. Stuck between what my heart wants and what the world wants. What if I follow my heart and am made a fool? What if I follow my heart and things crash in flames and I have left a perfectly fine guy who made me happy. They say that exes are exes for a reason but dammit, I will never get over him. I don't want to. What to do. :(

2009-07-30T23:20:00.002-04:00

How does so much time pass so quickly before I remember that this journal....this amazing constant in my life...is here? Is it too weird to make so much of an online blog? But to leave something neglected for so long and to come back with it still there...still waiting with open arms waiting to be written in...its nice. I don't get much of that in my life lately. My chances for things seem to come and go with ease. So where do I begin? It seems as though my last post was mid May and as you could guess much much much has happened.

Justin went to China. We were hanging by this tiny little thread and he did some things that upset me and it was pretty much the last straw in my eyes. So I began talking to this guy named Eric. And....just...yes. He makes me a very very happy girl. We had our first date on June 13th and on July 11th he asked me to be his girlfriend :) I have met his family and many of his friends, all of whom seem to really like me. He is an accountant. He is everything that I have needed in my life for the longest time. He makes me feel a level of safe I never felt with Justin. When I am with him I feel like I am beautiful. I am taking things slower than I did with Justin emotion wise. We are not anywhere close to being in love. But I am very happy. He is in Maine to work with a client and he missed me so much that he sent me flowers :) It made me so happy! I bet it was expensive, too. They were gorgeous and even came with a vase. I will post pictures later. When we drive in the car together he always puts his hand on my leg and holds my hand. I feel like he really cares. I just wanna snuggle up next to him forever. He is a little older than me (I am 21, he is 25) so he isn't quite like anyone I have ever dated. He can be a little bit "adult"ish sometimes..like....more mature but overall he is much more goofy than me. And he makes me laugh. So, I am good.

As for Justin. It's hard to leave behind 2 years of your life. It's hard to think you were so close to having something that could make the world jealous....and you just fell short. I am struggling with it, but nothing could ever convince me that I want Justin over Eric. Eric is just....just....exactly what I want. And my feelings are starting to become real....like..real....so I am starting to get attached.

Let's hope this works out. I can't handle another heartbreak.

2009-05-14T00:28:00.002-04:00

la la laaaa grades came out and I did good :) I can't believe I was sooo worried about them. UGH. I am such a dummypants sometimes.

So listen to THIS. My friend lived down in Dallas for a year and sometimes roadtrips back down there. I suggested to her that we roadtrip down together this summer and she agreed. SO i totally wanna pull an at&t commercial type thing for Justin and either go to his house and take a picture of it so he's like...whaaa? she's here? and maybe look out his window and there i will be. OR. I want to go to this special place he took me two summers ago and take a picture of it and send it to him and tell him to meet me there! I am excited. Here is the at&t commercial :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlcN7_Vbljg

la la la, gonna be sooo good! :)

2009-05-11T15:20:00.004-04:00

Hey. I have been ridiculously tired lately. I have been getting up at 8AM which is about 3 hours earlier than I got up ever this past semester. When your classes don't start until 12:30, you don't find much reason to get up before 11 or 11:30 lol. So, I am done with school for the year. I get 3 months all to myself to do whatever I want. I want to get a job maybe. I have spent less than a week at home and already am bored and need something to do with my time. I used to love laying around all day and coming and going as I pleased, but it's just boring now. I would rather go get a job and be earning money. So we will see.

But yeah, I have been so tired lately. It's really weird. I am taking like 3 or 4 hour naps and it's not enough. I thought originally it was because my sleep schedule got thrown off due to finals, but I am pretty regular now, and getting the same amount of sleep I got during school, just the hours are different. Hm. I am going to start hitting up the gym either today or tomorrow so maybe that will help solve the problem :-\

Anywho, i can't stop yawning! Gonna lay down and then go to the gym...later :)

2009-04-27T22:25:00.002-04:00

My daddy talked to me on the phone today and informed me that he has to go into surgery on Friday to get an englarged vein taken care of. I guess it could kill him later on in life if he doesnt take care of it. Anyway, he wanted to tell me himself. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a worrier and always run the worst case scenario through my head. It seems like a super easy procedure, but it's hard to see your dad in a hospital bed not doing anything. Sad. I hope he is okay. One week from tomorrow I will be done for the year. wow. one week. Anyway, I have one paper left to write, an exam to take, and a final to take. Stresssssed outtttt.

I think in my next post I will make a list of things to do with my summer, but for now I am going to go because my computer is acting weird :)

2009-04-23T12:31:00.002-04:00

Today is my mom and dad's 26th wedding anniversary :) I am excited for the weekend. I have turned into such a lame banana lately. My antibiotics totally killed my party streak. LOL. I am still on antibiotics until Saturday. Its my first free day from the meds so you better believe my Saturday night will be full of lots of alcohol. I am thinking margaritas, shots, and maybe even a long island. yum! :) <3

2009-04-22T01:48:00.002-04:00

Here I am posting again. I used to keep semi regular tabs on this thing and now its months before I write again. I have no clue why. I really enjoy having a timeline of my thoughts and feelings throughout the years. I really should keep up on this more often.

There is a guy who saw me in a picture with his friend last summer and thought I was beautiful so he friended me on facebook. We began talking, but like every guy in the world he began to like me and it complicated things because I was *basically* with Justin, although not technically. lol. Anyway, I cut off all communication with him, forgetting that I had given him the link to my Flickr (he sincerely enjoys my photography) Well, here it is like 10 months later. Haven't spoken a word to him in those 10 months and guess who comments on my twitter. Him. I only posted the link to my twitter in two places. My facebook (which he can no longer see since I unfriended him) and my Flickr. LOL. So he has been following my Flickr all this time even after I told him it wouldn't be a good idea if we were friends anymore. Also, he created a Flickr account and has been commenting on my photos talking about how beautiful I am and how I am so deep and how hard it is to find beautiful girls who are intelligent and deep like me.

It's flattering, no doubt, considering the only type of attention I ever seem to get is how pretty people think I am. No one ever really takes the time to tell me I am smart or witty outside of my family and close friends. But, honestly? 10 months? I mean, it's been a longass time since I have spoken to this guy and he still follows my flickr and twitter daily? That's crazy.

But yeah, I hit on a topic earlier in this post that I would like to discuss further. The topic of guys. I don't really have any close guy friends and I think I know why. I don't have it in me to be the type to lead a guy on. If there is one thing I am 100% sure of, it is that. I am not that type of girl. It makes me feel too guilty and quite honestly, having a guy like me when I have no mutual interest has turned out to be nothing but a burden in the past. But it honestly leaves me with few guy friends. Truly. Sheesh. I can think of 3 or 4 guys off the top of my head that have flirted with me and have almost gotten upset when I have told them that I am not in any position to be wanting to date right now. Why can't it ever be, "okay, i understand...i will be your friend" NO...its always that a guy starts liking me! Is it so wrong for a girl to want to be nice? Is it so bad for a girl to want to have a guy friend who DOESN'T want to date me? It's always been like this. I have one guy friend. ONE, who I can hang out with and I know he doesn't and won't like me. And you know what? It rocks. I love it. We ran to walmart the other night at midnight to pick up pickles. We watched Jim Gaffigan last thursday since i am on antibiotics and can't go out drinking. We have dinner together regularly cause we are both in the dorms and enjoy talking. It's just like, he is my friend and it's so chill and relax and he never ever flirts with me and never ever looks at me weird or lets the conversation go to an uncomfortable place. I love it. Why can't more guys be like that? Who knows.

Ugh. bed time. night :)

2009-04-19T19:35:00.002-04:00

It has been so long since I have posted. Months and months. But tonight I feel as though I just need to write and type. Like I have so much on my mind and so little on my mind all at the same time. I am excited for school to be over soon and I am just hoping to survive this next 3 weeks. 3 weeks. 3 weeks until I am done with my third year of college. What happened? Where did the time go? I can remember being a freshman and the very first blog I ever wrote in here. I remember my lights being all off except for my lamp. My room had a golden glow to it and I was so much of a different person back then. I have gone through so many ups and downs within the past couple years and there is so much I wish I could do differently. Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed out about my future if I had handled a lot of things differently. I just want to be out of college. Maybe shooting photos for a living. I love college but hate it all at the same time. I am getting sick of the surroundings and the expectations that are put on me as a college student. Lately, though, I have felt this really great renewed sense of who I am and it feels good. I am praying and begging to survive these weeks. Please let summer be here. I have pent up creativity that is about to burst like a damn bubble and I don't have any time or resources to freaking get it out right now! I want to be home! I want to be in the place where it's okay to spend my night playing uno all night long with my little brother and where a trip to starbucks until 10:30 is called a crazy night. Does it sound lame to you? Maybe, but it's who I am and it's who I was up until my sophomore year and it's who I want to be again. Being back home reminds me of who I really am and what matters to me most. My family and my best friend. Those were the people I let into my life and while it's been great having more friends this year, it's also brought on hurt that I have never felt before.

I am rambling! Geez. I am not looking forward to cleaning my room and getting stuff packed. I have no clean clothes..and I mean none. I am down to like 2 pairs of underwear LOL. I have a sinus infection that won't get better even with these damn antibiotics.

AH. I want to sit down and relax for a bit before I have to write my paper for my class

lala..goodbye :)

2008-12-16T02:39:00.002-05:00

It's nights like tonight when I absolutely can't sleep and I feel like I have so much on my mind, yet so little on my mind at the same time...it's nights like these that I want to write. So I open up my journal and I scribble and scribble but my hand can't move fast enough. No matter how hard I try my thoughts slip away before I have the chance to document them. It makes me think about all the times I have been sitting in class and I have thought of the most beautiful things or daydreamed the most surreal vision and it never gets recorded. It's just in and out and gone forever. And there's nothing you can do about it. The human hand, unfortunately, lacks behind the creative mind by miles and miles. The mind is a world class distance runner while the hand is the fat kid that gets picked last every time in gym class. Way to go hand!

So many things in my life to be excited about. I am excited for class to be over for the semester. I am excited about being 21. I am excited to see my family and see my very best friend on Friday. I am excited to be home in btown to see old friends and I am excited for Christmas. I am excited for that new speedlite...I am hoping and praying for the 580 II!! Keep your hands crossed! I am excited for my future. MY FUTURE. I for once am not afraid to grow up! I want to grow up! I for once am not afraid to live on my own away from my parents. I am finally being honest with myself about what I want in life. I am excited for so many things and it feels great. Why can't I always feel this good? hmmm.....

I don't know :-) I am out

yikes!

2008-10-30T04:32:00.002-04:00

I have been so stressed out lately! I am trying to figure so many things out. I am trying to deal with school and what major I want to do. I have jumped around from major to major so many times, and I think I finally found what I want to do, I am just trying to figure out what classes I need to talk to make sure I graduate with the major I want. I am stressed and I never ever get sleep these days (it's 4:30 AM and i have bio lab at 7:30!) and Justin is far away. Justin is so far away :( And it is getting to me so badly. I feel like all these couples I know..well...they're either meeting up or visiting each other or getting to see each other and it makes my heart hurt :( It makes me want to cry. I would give anything..literally anything to be able to spend a weekend with Justin. I miss him so much. Every time I roll over in bed I wish he was there so I could lay my head on his chest. Every time I watch a funny episode of Friends or the Simpsons I wish he was there to laugh with me, or make fun of me for laughing at something that isn't funny. Every time I do homework, I wish Justin was here to distract me. Every time I cry I wish he was here to hold me and make me feel better. Every time I am alone I want him here..I just want him here. I had no idea it was going to be this hard. No idea. And it's killing me. I thought I could handle being so far away from him for so long but it's tearing me up inside. It's making my days harder and harder to get through. I can't handle this. And I think I am slipping into a depression from it. I can't get myself to go to class. I missed chem lab on Tuesday. CHEM LAB. YOU COULDNT PAY ME TO MISS CHEM LAB TWO WEEKS AGO and now my lazy ass missed. And I missed another really important lab lecture :( And I missed a week and a half of a lecture that meets 3 times a week and has a 5 point quiz. That's 25 points I missed out on in that class. What the hell is wrong with me. I need to pull myself up by the damn shirt and slap myself across the face until I get my head on straight. No more moping around. I can't let myself slip now. I have been doing so amazing in school up until this point. I am letting myself fail because I am sad and that's no excuse. NEVER AN EXCUSE TO MISS CHEM LAB. I am a stupid stupid girl. I just miss Justin. 68....68 days until we are back together. I am counting the days....they used to go by fast and now they are going by slower and slower. I can't afford for them to go by slow..I am losing my mind

77

2008-10-21T00:49:00.002-04:00

77 days until I get to see Justin again. You have no idea how hard this is. It's so hard. I seriously cry every single day. I can't handle this for much longer. It's not fair. Its so not fair. I just can't stop crying. :'(

Someone make it easier to handle this distance. please :'(

Hm

2008-10-03T13:56:00.002-04:00

Another really long break between posts. I don't know why I suddenly have such a hard time keeping up with this thing. Maybe it's because in the first time in my life I actually have friends. I actually feel good about my life. I am not alone anymore. I don't have to rely on a journal to help me deal with my thoughts. I deal with them all on my own now. In a healthy way. I am healthy and happy. Yeah, I still have my times where I flip out and cry and cry for no reason. But overall, I am a very happy person. My life is going well. I wish it could have always been like this. I would have avoided a lot of pain. I would have a lot more friends now. I would be where I want to be in life. But I guess better later than never. I am trying to make up for the time I lost being depressed. I am trying to make up for the time I spent locked up in my room alone typing away on a computer because I had no one else to talk to.

I would like to keep up with this journal but the past year has proven I just can't.

Maybe this time will be different.

Hello :)

2008-07-23T19:01:00.002-04:00

*le sigh* hello. I am here. I have been busy on vacation as well as snapping photos and being creative. How I do love this beautiful new hobby of mine. Like an obsession, to be honest. I posted the link to my photo blog, but I disallowed comments because I have to be careful. Justin knows about that blog and if there is ANY link back to this blog and he ever finds it, I will cry. There are things that I have written in here that I would never want him to read. And it would destroy the one sanctuary that I have created for myself over the past year and a half. This blog is the only thing, online or offline, that holds the way I REALLY feel. The way I REALLY think. And if I didn't have this....I would feel like I have lost a piece of myself. It holds all my thoughts and ups and downs and joys and sorrows from the past year and a half. How awful if I had to get rid of it all

....so sad.

My friend's cousin died in a car accident. I am so sad for her :( I can't imagine losing someone so suddenly in a car accident or other such tragic event. I am keeping her in my prayers.

Things are going well as far as my therapist goes. I am going to be sad if I can't continue to see her during the school year. Right now we're talking about me coming back every 3rd Friday....but maybe not. Who knows. I don't really want to go through the trouble of finding a whole new therapist and trying to explain my woes to them. Plus the psychological department at my school probably hates me. I just stopped going to group therapy and individual therapy. I think I cancelled my appointment one time and never rescheduled and I just stopped going to group therapy. I wasn't ready to give up puking and I didn't know how to tell them that, so I just left.

hm.

2008-07-10T18:21:00.002-04:00

Herrrrre we go :D I decided to go ahead and start a photoblog up. Here is the link:

http://www.pinkblueandyellowtoo.blogspot.com/

I won't update it super super often, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to have one

-Sarah

2008-07-09T22:27:00.001-04:00

So Justin came and it was awesome getting to see him. I missed him so much. I am already planning to drive up to Michigan and see him late July when he goes to see his family! =)

I am considering making a photoblog. I take a lot of pictures and I would love to blog along with my photos. Hm. If I end up making one I will most definitely post the link here =)

love

2008-07-02T21:39:00.003-04:00

love. love love. what is love? is one type of love better than another type of love? there is the love that is perfectly magical like a fairytale. Romantic and so sweet. Sublime in it's own special way. Poetic words and beautiful i love you's. What about the other type of love? The love not like a fairytale. The love that says I love you and you know it and I know it. I do not need to sweep you off your feet or be your fair lady.

I think Justin and I are that second type of love. The love of the left brainer. The logical love. The love that says..we laugh...we care....our futures mesh well together....let's make this work. No mush mush mush. We enjoy movie nights or cruising together with the windows down...no need to be treated like I am the best thing to ever happen to him. I know it..he knows it. We all know it. It doesn't need to be said every minute of every day.

Such a logical love we have. I like it. It feels strong. Based off of something real rather than a love that is allowed to flourish only when it's not facing the obstacles of everyday life.

It's easy to become jealous of the first type of love. But honestly? I wouldn't have our love any other way.

baby

2008-06-29T11:57:00.002-04:00

Busy busy week. Justin and I are together officially for good and I am happy about it. I can't wait for him to come down on the 4th =)

Is it weird of me to want to be a mommy? I am only 20 but I cannot wait for the day that I get to be the mommy to a baby boy or girl. I love children and babies. I went to fireworks with my very best friend last night and there was a little baby girl there and she was so precious. She must have been about a year old...i think maybe a little younger. So adorable. I want one. I want one =(

I still have like..6 years before babies are a possibility to me. lol

:(

Hello

2008-06-23T23:21:00.004-04:00

Hey. Just thought I would post really quickly. And by really quickly I mean it probably won't be very quickly. I will probably sit here for 15-20 mins and struggle with what to write. lol. It's 11:22...let's see what time it is when I finish. lol.

haha. It's alrady 11:25...I am talking on AIM so its a big distraction.

I think Justin is going to come up for the 4th of July. He really wants me back. He is coming to a lot of realizations about the way he treated me. He swears he's a changed guy and he wants a chance to show me those changes. I wish I could just write our whole relationship out, but I can't. It would take forever. But just trust me when I say I have had enough hurt and been through enough struggle concerning him that I am not sure he deserves another chance with me. And he even admits that he doesn't but he is asking and begging and pleading for another chance.

I have an awful tummy ache. I have this gross pukey feeling in my tummy =(

I took some photos of my little brother today. hmm..let me see.....i will post them..hold on....here is like...2 or 3:

hmm..lets see...11:36...it's been 14 mins. Yup. 15 mins...I wonder how much I could write out in 15 mins if I didn't let mindless distractions get to me.

It would be amaze.

I am gonna go out and take some more pictures tomorrow! I love pictures :)

<3, Sarah

wow

2008-06-23T02:14:00.002-04:00

I will do a catch up post tomorrow as to whats been up in my life. The days are passing by at lightning speed, I can barely keep up.

Tonight I realized how FREAKING FUCKING lucky I am to have the damn friends that I do in my life. I am definitely a person of few friends. I do not have very many. I have one VERY best friend who is like family. I have maybe 3 or 4 close friends and the rest I barely talk to.

When Justin and I first started dating I was so jealous of his friend situation. He had this awesome big group of friends and everyone seemed so tight. I soon began to realize that it wasn't the way I thought it was at all. Some people were more close to other, there was bad mouthing and gossip talk behind backs. So sad =( Justin has been very VERY hurt by his friends...the friends he said he would have forever..the friends he said were going to be in his wedding. He has been hurt down to his core by them.

I can honestly say that any hurt caused by my friends has been minimal and there has been almost NO hurt from my very best friend. I have the most loyal and amazing friends anyone in the world could ask for. How did I get so lucky? I put all my eggs in one basket and it turned out to be an amazing basket...all rolled up into one neat package of a person.

I never want to lose my friends. I never want to go to bed at night on the verge of tears from the things my friends are saying about me. Thank you God....thank you....

Oh Hey...

2008-06-16T17:18:00.002-04:00

I cannot seem to rip myself away from watching the movie 300. It is amazing. A movie I would definitely recommend to anyone.

Today has been a fairly good day. I am feeling better about my decision to leave him for Justin. Although I won't lie....it's hard having him ignore me. He was a big part of why my days were live-able.

I went on a 2 hour search for a damn unfolding lounge chair at target and wal-mart so I could lay out in our backyard and tan today. Couldn't find one! So I am going to Bed Bath and Beyond. I tanned anyway today for about an hour and a half. The sun was harsh. My skin is reddish from only being out there that long. Crazy.

I am very tired. Things are going rather well in my life.

I am proud of myself =)

magic

2008-06-16T02:11:00.003-04:00

What a magical night Saturday night was. Hot and sweaty day turned into a cool and beautiful night filled with laughs, and kisses, and hugs.

When I am around him I want to always be close to him. Always kissing. Always holding onto his arm. Always looking...looking and looking and looking at him. And he always asks what? because i look so much. He says it doesn't make him uncomfortable. I hope not. Cause I love to look. So cute. His smile and his little bite face he does at me. Kisses on my forehead. My temple. My ear. My cheek. My lips.....

What a beautiful beautiful night with a beautiful person who sang so softly along with the band to the most sweet song....he sang to me and held me close.

"If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
then I'll follow you into the dark"

Sitting in his car after the concert. Having to break the news to him that I still have feelings for Justin and that I would like to just be his friend. Holding his face in my hand as I kiss his temple....his forehead....his lips.....

So sorry I tell him. He says he doesn't understand why I keep going back to something that doesn't work..time and time again =(

I miss him. Oh gosh. I miss him. He makes me laugh! I have waited since early April for Justin to want to work on being together again....why am I not happier about it? Why did Justin wait until I found someone I really really like to decide that he doesn't want to lose me?

Dear beautiful S......I am sorry for coming into your life for a short 3 weeks only to leave so quickly......I will never ever forget you......or the way I always caught you admiring me. We would have made a cute couple.

So here's to the future with Justin.........let's hope it works this time...........

WAAAAHHHHH

2008-06-13T22:14:00.002-04:00

NO WAY. I'm alive =)

Heck yes I am!

I just randomly got the urge to write down this funny story that happened to me today. Updates? I think not...guess you'll have to be completely left out of an entire 2 months of my life!

So I took my little bro with me to my therapist appointment cause we had stuff to do afterwards and it was raining..i mean..POURING when we were done and we were gonna wait for it to clear off but instead we just decided to go for it. So we are running to my car and i step in a flowing river on the side of the street and my FLIP FLOP GETS SUCKED OFF MY FOOT! I turn around to get it and it's getting sucked away into the current. hahahaha. So I took my other flip flop off and ran back to my car. My bro and I were dying laughing. It was so funny.

mmmmm...well...that's about it =) I am going to see Death Cab for Cutie tomorrow with a guy I am talking to right now so that shall be excited :)

I am out!

night of the living....living?

2008-04-16T03:27:00.004-04:00

oh my gosh! OVER A MONTH! I am not dead! I have been through the most stress of my life this whole semester...wait wait..no..actually this WHOLE DAMN SCHOOL YEAR. I just am so stressed all the time! My life is an emotional rollercoaster that never ends.

I have been having these ridiculous mood swings where i break up with justin and then want him back and he finally said no more. He said I need to fix myself and he will wait for me and when I am fixed he will get back with me, but the mood swings have to stop. So I have a lot to work on. It's kind of a bummer that I can't be with him, but whatever. We still act like we're together...I guess all I am chasing is an official title, right? We still spend time together and kiss and snuggle and stuff so I shouldn't be so upset about him not wanting to be with me right now. ugh :( woof. I have a feeling I am going to be writing in here a lot. I feel like this is the only goddamn place I can write my real thoughts. How friggin weird is that? I feel like this damn online journal has become...dare i say it..........MY FRIEND!!! I just need to be the best girlfriend/not girlfriend but girl who wants him back that i can be. It's gonna take all of me but GOSH...i want him so bad. I love him so much and I want my future with him. I know that I can do it. You think I can do it? Up above is a recent picture of us taken on umm...derr...lets see...this past Friday. yup yup!

We are going to a party tom...well..tonight...its wed morning..lol...and we're going to a party wed. night soo....yeah :)

I better goooo....i'll write tomorrow!

nag monster

2008-03-06T19:48:00.002-05:00

Being a girlfriend is a funny concept. I feel like a whole different person when I am a girlfriend rather than when I am single. When I am single I am my own person. I do things on my time and don't have to make my plans fit with anyone else's. But being a girlfriend is so weird. I sit here and I am like...a nag almost. Justin texted me asking when he was supposed to come over again and i said "8:30" and then i texted again "why? did you forget?"

like...what a nag!!! Maybe not so much a nag but I feel like I am keeping tabs on him. That's so not in my personality. Ew. Ew ew. Hm. Oh well. I am so cold right now and I should be packing, but I'm not. I'm being a big fat lazy bum. haha. jk..but for real..i am. LOL. I think I am gonna go listen to music and....make a video? maybe? we'll see...

GRR!!!! >:(

2008-03-05T00:19:00.003-05:00

You know, I've come to the conclusion that I can't really trust people. People act so trusting and like they're so nice and accepting and then they turn around and are a completely different way. It just pisses me off. I am so upset right now and I can't figure out why :( GOSH. Like, I am frustrated. Thursday is my last night in town before I am gone for over a week for spring break and Justin wants to go to some stupid date auction for civil engineers. why the heck do i wanna see a bunch of dudes getting auctioned off? SO DUMB! And then he says "you know i've been planning on going" but i honestly had NO EFFING CLUE. I really had no clue. He joked about what if he auctioned himself off...would i bid on him? But he never said he was going. Whatever. I just wanted a nice relaxing night with him but I guess thats too much to ask. Whatever.

life is GoOoD :D

2008-03-04T12:28:00.004-05:00

So I think a small part of me wants to start making videos again. I don't know though. I've said that a million times before and I still haven't really gotten into a groove of making videos. So, we'll see. Spring Break is officially on after my class on Friday. at 10:20 A.M. on friday it's spring break for me :D

I can't wait to be in warm warm warm florida getting a tan!

I was discussing apartments for my senior year with my mom and she like...basically said she wants me staying in a single apartment. Like, what the hell? How come I am not allowed to have an effing roommate? This is so gay. I feel like my parents just don't trust anyone to make their payments or they don't trust anyone not to get on my nerves, but it sucks cause I wanna have a roommate and throw kickass parties and be drunk every minute of every weekend :( Damn.

Speaking of weekends, Justin and I had a good weekend. Things are going super well between him and I. We're finally doing good and it feels amazing. We fight, sure, but we've learned how to not dwell on it. I went to the computer lab with him until 2:30 in the morning last night and then he came over and slept with me. MmMmmM. :) I love waking up next to him..with his arms around me. Now if only we could do something about that stanky breath he has :D jk....kind of.

*SCANDALOUS THOUGHT OF THE DAY*

Ya'll know that song "make love in this club" by usher? I decided I wanna do a striptease/lapdance for Justin to that song and I either wanna wear like...a sexy bra and panties underneathe an oversized button up shirt (think business man) and tie....rawrrr...or I wanna wear something like this

with like some high heels. Wouldn't that be such an awesome going away present before he goes back to texas and i dont see him for 3 and a half months?! So I am gonna work on getting like..a zillion shades tanner and i'm working on losing some of that extra baggage. yay!! :D

SuPeRsTaR

2008-02-28T23:25:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a really long time. I guess I was just waiting until my life began to really clear up before I began writing in here again. Sometimes when you're depressed, just recounting on all the depressing things about your life make you even more depressed and trust me, I didn't need to be any more depressed than I already was. But I am doing really good now. I haven't thrown up in like, a week and I feel awesome. I am so proud of the giant leaps I've made when it comes to my eating. And Justin and I are officially off break and we're together again. Things have been going great as far as him and I are concerned :) Not this weekend, but next I am leaving for Spring Break :) I am so excited. I just wanna be somewhere warm and fun. We're going to Siesta Key and we're gonna stay right on the beach. Yesssss. I love the beach. I will make sure to take lots of pictures and post them! =D
P.S. I am a superstar :D

2008-02-13T00:38:00.002-05:00

I'm a sickly banana, but on the good side things are looking up for me :) Let's see how long this lasts, though. lol. I doubt it will last long. Nothing good ever lasts in my life. I always do something to screw it up. ugh. But yeah, i am sick. My throat is swollen and I feel achy overall :( I suck at being healthy. Oh well, not gonna stop me from going to the gym tomorrow. I let myself eat an orange, 3 chocolates, and 5 gummy hearts today. I went up .5 pounds. I know it's just 1/2 a pound but its a lot for me. Cause not only is it not progress forward, it's a step back. Thats why I will be at the gym tomorrow for sure...lol

2008-02-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

hahaha. I think I am losing my mind little by little. I am losing it. Absolutely losing my mind. I can't handle anything right now. I am absolutely about to lose it and I have no one to talk to and no one who cares or understands. I am absolutely alone right now and I can't handle it. I just can't. I want to cry and tears come to my eyes but I can't really cry. I can't just cry and let it all out. I dont know whats wrong with me. I don't know. I am so depressed right now. I can't handle this :( I am so alone.

2008-02-04T13:50:00.001-05:00

My head hurts so much from crying. My eyes are swollen and my face is blotchy and I have a stupid meeting today at 3 to get my counseling situation worked out. I don't want a counselor :( I don't :( I feel like nothing in my life is going the way it should be. I am such a failure. I hate myself. I hate myself. Why do I feel so down and low? What's wrong with me? All this stress and such. I can't handle it. I want it to go AWAY. I don't want to handle any of this. I am not strong enough to deal with any of this. At all. :(

Hello :)

2008-01-31T22:12:00.001-05:00

Hey! I had an alright day today. Didn't do much besides watch some dr.phil and oprah. I went to class, studied, and took a nap. I have spent my evening writing out notes and doing sample problems for an exam I have tomorrow. It's a statistics in Psychology exam so it's really easy. My mind works pretty easily with numbers so I'm not too worried. I'm more worried about the concepts behind the numbers and scaled and measures of variability than I am about being able to compute the answers :P

I went out to Target today to buy batteries for my graphing calculator. yay. And while I was out I stopped at KFC and got an individual side of mashed potatoes (no gravy!), small side of mac and cheese, small order of popcorn chicken, and two KFC snackers. I ate them all except the last KFC snacker. I was so full. Oh yeah, and I had a large pepsi. I came home and puked it up. MAN. Let me tell you, that stuff is nasty smelling and tasting coming back up. I took one whiff of it while I was puking and involuntarily puked some more. ickkk.

Anyway, I am going home this weekend. So that will be nice :) I start group therapy next week! Hopefully these binges and purges will stop............hopefully

BULIMIA..YAY!!!

2008-01-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

oh! oh hi! NO NO, i didn't die. And not really that busy either. I guess just preoccupied with other things. My "bulimia" as some like to call it (although i DO NOT have bulimia) is getting bad! I can't remember the last time I ate a meal without throwing it back up. I need purging. How sad is that? It's how my day is formed. Go to class..come home and relax...gosh i am bored...i have about 7 hours until bed time....letsssssss chill out for about 4 hours, have a giant binge session and then puke it back up! then go to bed and be happy. like, what the hell? I bought zip loc baggies and zip loc food storage containers to puke in! awesome, right? that way I can stop using so many trashbags so quickly! whatever. I hate myself for doing this.

BUT, i am taking steps in the right direction. I am joining an eating disorders therapy group as well as getting individual counseling for my disorder. things are looking up...things are looking up.....

2007-12-25T18:48:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas!!!

First, I ate today and didn't throw my food back up! YAY ME!!! :D

Second, I got the camera I really wanted! A Canon EOS Digital Rebel XTi!!! Look at these piccies I took :D

^Every photographer must have a pic like this!

^Missing You......only Justin would be able to really understand this photo, but it's the teddy he got me for my birthday. Teddy is looking out the window and waiting, all lone, for the return of Justin. Teddy and I both miss Justin very much.

^A decoration from the tree. Pretty huh?

^Another version of Missing You.

^ World's Loneliest Teddy. Aw :(

Awesome huh? I can't wait to keep playing with my camera and experimenting! :D

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope ya'll had as good of a Christmas as I did :D

stupid me

2007-12-24T23:23:00.001-05:00

Who am I? This awful tricky person that I have become? :( I am worthless and vile and full of imperfections.

He is so happy because he thinks I am finally trying to be healthy. I promised him no purging from today on out. And what do I do? Puke my guts out, twice today. How pathetic has your life become when you puke in the shower and shove it down the drain?

I cannot stop myself from puking. If I could stop myself from freaking EATING i wouldnt have to puke, but i cant. Food. I want it so badly. All the time. Always hungry. Always wanting food. Food in my FAT UGLY STOMACH. No self control. So I eat like an ugly heffer and freak out and puke it back up.

I can't eat without having this intense desire to purge. :(

dumb

2007-12-23T17:13:00.000-05:00

I am so disappointed in myself :( I purged today. Not just once, twice. I purged in the shower the first time cause my dad was home and the second time my parents were gone so I just did it in their bathroom like usual. :( I don't want to purge. I hate it. I hate it. It's icky icky. I look at myself in the mirror every time afterwards and I just hate myself :( Stupid failure. I feel fat and ugly. I went to the gym today, but I need to go back again today. You think all this and I'd lose weight, but I'm not. :-\

I was suppose to have a plan and stick to it. Instead I just messed it up because its easier to eat and throw it back up. Whatever. I am stupid.

This is the third day in a row I have purged. :(

On a lighter note, Christmas is coming :) I am getting a Canon EOS Rebel XTi! Look up pictures on flickr that are taken with this camera. They are amazing! :D

my birthday

2007-12-18T00:56:00.001-05:00

I am 20 today.

And I feel so dead inside. I hate everything

breathe me

2007-12-11T04:57:00.000-05:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

-Sia (Breathe Me)

:( In a bad place right now.

bleh

2007-12-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am so stressed out and I have spent half the day crying and crying and crying and worrying and hating myself and I know it sounds awful but it's days like today that I wish I was with Brandon. Justin is ten times better than Brandon, but Brandon was really thoughtful and always made me feel better when I was having a bad day. Justin makes me laugh but there are times when laughing just doesn't work, ya know? Sometimes its better to get surprised with flowers, like what Brandon did for me last year when I was having an awful day :( On a day like today, when you feel so small and so worthless and so unimportant, it's nice to have someone do something sweet for you that makes you feel special.

I would never trade being with Justin to be with Brandon, NEVER. But there were definitely good points about Brandon that Justin just doesn't have.

I am off to go study and try and feel better. Bye.

hhahaa

2007-12-02T18:56:00.000-05:00

haha. I had so much fun last night. Justin and I went over to our friends apartment and we played beer pong and justin and I won 5 straight games and we were undefeated. It was awesome. Except my tummy got very full of beer and I got very drunk. It was a good night and I did a lot of funny things =) Here is a cute picture of Justin and I <3

POOPSTER

2007-11-29T00:36:00.000-05:00

I am such a butt!

I purged today! AH! I ate dinner and I did not like it in my tummy so I purged! I had:

A medium sized salad...ate about 2/3 of it.
a breadstick
a small bowl of mac and cheese.

ewww, fat me fat me.

at least i got it up. hm.

Enjoy

2007-11-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

I am all signed up for my classes for next semester. Well, almost. I am suppose to take a spanish exam when I get back from break to see if I test out of any spanish, which I am hoping I will. And I am on the waiting list for Abnormal Psychology. It's the class I am most interested in so I am hoping that I get into it. The waiting list was only 14 deep so I am hoping I can sneak my way on :-)

I am doing good today. Things are kind of winding down. It's sort of just "focus on finals" time. I have one more exam and after that I just have to study for the next couple weeks for all my finals.

Justin and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. He had this super awkward insecurity yesterday. He kept talking about how lucky he is to be with me and how he is lucky that he got me and that I am just settling on him and he's not as physically attractive as me and was asking if I am 100% sure I want to be with him. For one, I am not a very superficial person and for two, there is no one else on this Earth I would rather be with than him. I love him so much and I just wish he could understand that he is the most amazing guy I have ever met.

As I said, I have been eating like crazy lately and ballooned up about 12 pounds. I have lost 7 of those already so that's good. I think it's just vanity lbs that will shed off really easily cause they already have. I mean, sure I have been purging (today is day two free of purging) but it's not like I don't eat. I would eat a meal and purge it and then later on in the day eat a meal without purging. I have just been watching what I eat. Ya know? I am eating whatever I want, just not as much. Plus, I think it helps that I'm not super stressed right now. When I get stressed, it is impossible to lose weight. Ew.

Well, I am out. That's all for now!

eh

2007-11-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

I am trying to stop a monster before it comes to life again.

I purged yesterday. Four days in a row. And the worst thing was, it wasn't even like I ate and felt guilty. I wasn't even hungry, but I ate just so I could throw it up.

I decided I don't want this bad habit to pick back up. So I am going to stop it right now.

I really don't want to start throwing my food up again =(

Good, but so bad....

2007-11-23T22:24:00.001-05:00

How can you be doing so bad as far as your actions, but your feelings are ones of happiness and excitement?

I feel so content right now. I am happy to have such an amazing family and I am happy to have my friends and I am happy to be with Justin. Sure, I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, but it's not to the point of me crying when I look in the mirror. It's not to the point of me refusing to change clothes because I will have to touch my naked body. I am doing alright and for me, alright means really good.

So why is it that I am purging again? Why is it that I don't even want to eat? If my life is going so good, why do I feel the need to throw my food up?

Maybe it really is a coping mechanism. Maybe because I am purging I am happy.

I don't think people without these issues realize this, but my purging and ED and self-injury helps me focus on something else. It helps me worry about something other than the current problems in my life. There are things in my life that I get anxious about. And I can't control them. No control. And I need control. I need to have my life in control and when I feel like my problems are spiraling out of control I grasp for anything to have control of. Control. It's all about control. And I can control my food intake. And I can control the pain I inflict on myself when I cut. And I can control whether or not I let that last meal stay in my stomach.

I need a problem in my life that I can control so I don't feel like such a failure.

It's like, "Oh no, my last round of exams were lower than the first.....I am such a failure. And fat....I am fat, too. I am fat and stupid. Which one can I control? Being fat. So let's control it." And so I decide not to eat until I feel worthy again. Worthy of what? I don't know yet.

It always comes back to me being fat.

"Oh no, Justin and I got into a fight. It's all my fault because I am over sensitive and jealous and territorial of him. I wouldn't have to be so afraid of him loving me less if I wasn't so fat. I am fat and jealous. Which can I control? Being fat. So let's control it".

And I hate it. I hate blaming my weight for everything. I hate it so much.

I want to be so tiny that I am almost non-existent. As unnoticeable as a grain of sand on the beach or a little crumb swept into the corner of a room somewhere. I don't want to die. I want to live, but I want to live without anyone's attention on me.

Does that make sense? Probably not. My head hurts....a lot.

Good night <3

yay!

2007-11-22T23:19:00.001-05:00

Happy Turkey Day!

Shopping for me tomorrow :)

There were people camping outside of Staples and Best Buy. Hm. Weird. I can't believe people actually camp outside. Um...why? Are you afraid someone is gonna get some sweet deal before you?

Whatever. Who am I to criticize? That might be me someday, although I highly doubt it.

lol.

Happy Black Friday everyone :-) Get some sweet shopping in!

Cookies.....GRR!!

2007-11-21T15:24:00.000-05:00

NO!!! I haven't purged in how long? Ya'll know how long it's been. I always write in here when I purge. It's been at least like..2 months if not more...and I purged today. Damn cookies. DAMN THEM. I got hungry. And so I ate cookies. And milk. And I just didn't like the way it felt. I should be disappointed in myself, right? But I'm not. I just wish I hadn't eaten those cookies. I have sort of missed purging. Is that weird?

And worst of all is that Justin thinks I have stopped. I am afraid to tell him I did today. I am afraid and I want something of my own. I want my world back. The world of disordered eating.

I sound so sick saying that.

I couldn't even keep my eyes open when I was purging. It's weird closing your eyes to a clean pool of water and then opening them to murky sugar-cookie filled water.

I don't want to tell Justin. It just causes problems when I do. I think this will be my secret for now.

P.S...

2007-11-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

From the game this past weekend. I am usually not so angry but, fuck IU. Fuck IU for beating us. Those assholes. And I am only holding an IU cookie because my mom made me.

Justy Baby

2007-11-20T01:13:00.000-05:00

I feel as though Justin and I have come at a crossroads in our relationship where we both need to begin to be very serious about this. We both have attachment issues. He is afraid to become attached to me and I sure as hell am afraid of becoming attached to him. I believe we have our different reasons, but nonetheless, we're afraid of attachment. We talked tonight and last night as well and I have given it a lot of serious thought. I feel like I haven't been making the conscious effort to make this relationship work. We have been working so well because for one- we're just amazing together. We go together like peas and carrots. We have so much fun together and we really do care about each other. And two- we have God on our side. I feel like God brought Justin and I together because there are things both of us need to work on and together, Justin and I bring out the best and the worst in each other. When we bring out the best it's amazing and when we bring out the worst, it makes us realize what we need to change about ourselves.

But right now, I feel like we're surviving rather than thriving. Our relationship has so much potential to be amazing. I just feel like we're going about our relationship in an immature fashion. I think we both need to stop the overreacting so much. We both need to work on our trust issues. And we both need to stop making, doing, or saying irrational things.

I have thought of just a few things that I would like to change about myself and my behavior:
1. When I am hurt by something he says or does...TELL HIM. Don't act all upset and expect him to figure it out.
2. Know that when we does things or says things that bother me, he's not doing them to hurt me. He would never intentionally hurt me. He just doesn't know that something might bother me.
3. Don't be afraid to be in love with him. He's my everything. He won't hurt me.

The end :-)

:(

2007-11-18T01:54:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I know. I know it will only lead me down a bad road. I am debating whether it's a road that I have enough energy to travel right now or not. Maybe I am looking for something to keep me from traveling down that road. :-(

here we go again...

2007-11-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

I didn't eat today.

Damn did it feel good.

Let's see how long we can make this last.

My control is back. finally.

hahaha

2007-11-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

LOL. So I realized tonight what an idiot I am. Do you ever catch yourself talking to yourself? It's actually a quite normal thing and as long as you don't reply to your own questions then you're not crazy. Well, I do this a lot. Especially when I am alone. So I was walking out to my car tonight and I was in this really weird mood. Well, in my head I say to myself, "ya'll ready for this?" and then I start playing that ANNOYING music in my head. I think its part of jock jams or something but somehow jock jams morphed into that annoying music from the six flags commercials where the old man is dancing around in front of the bus. I just couldn't help but laugh at myself for being so stupid and I actually started sort of singing out loud on my way to my car. Thank the Lord no one was around. lol.

yay pictures

2007-11-13T00:22:00.000-05:00

Majestic.....orrr...just messing around with the settings on my camera :-)

and the ugliest facial expression award goes to me =)

this picture got second place...lol

my baby pumpky :) i decorated it

just for fun :)

Days go by....

2007-11-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already November. Where does the time go? Where is my college career going? I am going to be a senior before I know it. I never could understand people who wanted to stay in college forever and now I understand why. College is so much fun. So I was thinking about what I want to do with my Psychology degree. I want to get my masters and I was thinking maybe going into research psychology based on how well getting my masters goes? I would like to do research on eating disorders. I also really want to counsel so who knows. I would love to work in an eating disorders clinic.

As far as MY eating habits go...I have been eating. A lot. And it's got me feeling really gross. I think I am going to cut back on my eating big time, which isn't such a good idea around Thanksgiving time, but I have gained a lot of weight and it really has me down. I won't barely let Justin touch me because I feel so ugly these days.

I need to do more reading these days. A lot more reading. I think a trip to Barnes and Noble is in order for tomorrow. yay.

That's it, bye :-)

WHAT?

2007-11-07T00:13:00.001-05:00

Are they having a youtube party? OMG...peoople..get a fucking life. It's fucking youtube. Do not congregate in large groups and talk about videos and stuff. So stupid. So stupid. And the thing I don't understand the most is people who actually meet through youtube and then begin dating. Are you not that adjusted that you have to meet romantic hopefuls through youtube? honestly? HONESTLY? GO OUT AND MEET SOMEONE. And NO, i am not talking about middle aged or older people..I am talking about kids MY AGE. GO OUT AND MEET SOMEONE. GO TO A PARTY. BE A TEENAGER. HONESTLY. wow. I am so done with youtube..it's so lame and the people on there need to get lives....honestly....

love love looooove

2007-11-05T23:48:00.001-05:00

Tonight I had a really good night. Justin and I just snuggled and we just told each other how much we loved each other and he told me about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and I cried like a little baby. I love being with him :-) He's so perfect for me. Even the things about him that drive me nuts aren't that bad. I'm not a super mushy gushy person but I love those moments when you connect with someone so deeply. It's beautiful :-) On another note, I have a lot to do this week. Super stress time! But my friend is coming to visit me this weekend and I can't wait to show her a good time :-) She's gonna love it here. I haven't written anything worth any sort of reading in this thing in a long time. :-( I suck. My mind is just so fried that I don't have the energy to think very much. Does anyone watch the office? i am *obsessed* with Jim. He's sooo adorable! I loves him a lot...a lot :-)

Awesome new gidget!

2007-11-03T21:59:00.001-04:00

I am just trying this out. It's being able to post entries to my blogger account from my instant messager. If it posts my screen name, I am going to not use it, though, because my screen name is personal and I don't want people IMing me. Ya know? It's just weird. I try and keep my distance. Well, I guess that's it! =)

STRESS!

2007-10-30T23:22:00.001-04:00

Today was such a stressful day, but I got everything done today that I had on my list to do. YES! I am feeling good. Sometimes stress is good. It kicks your butt in gear and makes you get done what you need to get done, like STUDY! I have a sociology exam on Thursday morning so I am studying tonight and since I only have two classes tomorrow and I am done by 9:20 in the morning, I am spending all day tomorrow studying as well.

I am actually in the middle of typing up vocab and I needed a small break from typing down definitions. lol. I am studying the same way I studied for my Psychology exam that I got an A on. I think I am going to go downstairs to the basement and finish studying. That way, I won't have internet access to distract me....LOL. I will catch ya'll later :)

MY WEEKEND!

2007-10-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

WOW. okay, so let me go over my ridiculous weekend. Are ya'll ready? Okay...

Friday:
Justin slept over on Thursday night so I didn't go to my 7:30 or 8:30 class..lol...I opted to sleep in. Surprise! I didn't go to my 2:30 class either so I could spend time with him. Him and I lounged around like a bunch of lazy bums in my room and his legs started hurting. His shins have been giving him a lot of trouble and so I sat there for like, 20 mins just massaging his legs and trying to make them feel better and they wouldn't stop hurting and he felt bad about me massaging his legs so he made me snuggle with him and we turned on Dave Chappelle and next thing I know he's snoring! He fell asleep so I was about as thankful as a girl can get. I just hate seeing him hurting so when he fell asleep I knew he wasn't feeling any pain. So I sneakishly got out of bed and took a shower and got ready for the night. Every time Dave Chappelle ended, I would turn on a new episode so it would keep him asleep. I have to listen to Dane Cook when I sleep, listening to Dave Chappelle helps him. lol. So I got all ready and he woke up and we went and got food and then he went and showered and we picked up our friend and we headed out to a frat party. (We didnt go to the haunted house because it was raining!) By the time we got to the frat it had stopped raining so we parked at Justin's friend's house and then walked. Well, all I took with me into the frat was my student ID because you only bring what you *have* to bring into a frat. It's a nuisance to bring a lot of stuff. So we get into the frat and I start downing drinks (my first time drinking in like...over a month) and me and Justin are all dancing and its fun times and then we're like "ok..it's 1:50...lets go" so we head out of the frat and we're walking back to my dorm room and we see the fountain thats on campus and Justin goes, "I dare you to run through it" and i go "I'm drunk..dont say that again or I will actually do it" and he goes "I bet you won't run through that fountain" and I go "alrighttt" and i take off and the whole time justin is like SARAH! SARAH!! SARAH STOP! and I run through the fountain...hahahahha...so Justin does it too. So we're wet, drunk, and freezing cold. No biggie, though, cause we're only a 7 minute walk from my dorm. So we get to my dorm and I realize..HOLY FUCK...i don't have the key to my room. So after taking a piss and almost crying because I cant be wet and cold any longer Justin tells me to lay down on the couches in my dorm and sleep and he will walk back to his car (a 20-25 minute walk if not more) and I am like..no. Cause him and I are a team and even if we're doing the most unjoyable thing in the whole world, as long as we're doing it together it's not so bad. So we set out on our journey and we laughed and had a good time and finally got back to his car. I was so sober by then. lol. So I drove us back to my dorm and when we finally got back we got ass naked and fell asleep...lol. mmm..So I woke up at 8:00 on Saturday morning, got ready, packed, and left for my friends college.

Saturday:
I drove to my friends college and met all her roomies and we ended up drinking that night and it was crazy. I don't really want to go into details...ehh...but it was crazy and I woke up at 9:30 this morning and drove back to my school. LOL. I got about 4.5 hours of sleep friday night and 4 hours of sleep last night. I am exhausted to say the least. I need to nap and then study for my history exam thats at 7:30 in the morning. BLEH.

i am tired.

Such a blah day

2007-10-23T20:23:00.000-04:00

Today was very blah. I slept through Soc...like normal. LOL. I am lucky my classes are so easy, I would probably be failing them if they weren't.

I decided that I need a new user picture. I am sick of looking at a freaking Guy Fawkes mask every time I get on.

I don't really have much to say. I have begun tanning so I don't get so pale and pasty this winter. I think I tan more for relaxation than anything. Sure getting dark is nice, but I love getting off campus and laying in a nice warm bed and relaxing and pretending like I am on some super calm beach. mmm.

I am staying here in town on Friday and going to a haunted house with Justin and then I am heading to see my friend on Saturday =) Excitement excitement :)

no catch up.

2007-10-23T02:45:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to do a catch up post because those are always so daunting and seem like a never ending job because there is so much that can be filled in on. But, I will say I got an A on my Psychology exam. I studied really hard for it so I deserve that A. Let's hope I get an A on my exam for OLS tomorrow.

Today was such a lazy day. I didn't do anything besides class. I went tanning. I saw Justin for 35 mins today. That was sort of sad. I really enjoy being around him. He always puts a smile on my face. I guess I can tell you a few bits and pieces from my weekend.

On Friday we went on a double date with another couple. We went bowling and beat them both times. We're basically amazing. I think Troy was sort of upset because Troy was in a bowling league back in his hometown and Justin beat him. lol. Oh well. After bowling we went back to Troy's apartment and watched a movie. Then Justin and I came back to my place and fell asleep. We were exhausted. We slept all day Saturday...literally. We got up to eat lunch and that was about it. We colored in coloring books and watch Finding Nemo and DDed my friend from party to party so she wasn't driving drunk. lol. All in all it was a good night :)

I am sad it's the week and I have so much to do. I have a lot to do this week. Blah.

But this weekend I am going to visit my friend at school. It makes me really happy. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks.

I haven't been on youtube much. Anything exciting going on? I don't know. The only time I get on is when my friends send me an interesting link to watch. I have just lost all interest when it comes to youtube. It's sad. I am thinking about just deleting my account. Hm.

I think last year I was so engrossed in making videos because I was very lonely and I think videos were my way of connecting to people in some form. It gave me something to do on those boring nights I spent locked inside my room. And this year, I am far from lonely or sad. I am the happiest I've been in a really long time and I haven't spent a night alone in my room on the weekends yet this school year...except maybe one or two when Justin has been out of town but even then I was drunk off my ass and went right to sleep.

Hm.

Who knows. It's almost 3 in the morning here. I am not even a smidgen tired. I am going to be regretting this tomorrow.

IDIOT

2007-10-12T20:24:00.000-04:00

I am an absolute idiot. I need to start going to class more often....at least my sociology class. Bleh. I missed an Exam in there. HOW THE HELL DID I DO THAT? Holy Lord. Thank God they drop the lowest scoring exam grade so basically that missed quiz will be dropped and i just have to do well on all the rest of my exams which i'm not afraid of...i know i will do fine on them...i just feel like an idiot for missing mt exam...bleh =(

Touched.

2007-09-29T18:28:00.001-04:00

Tears. Absolute tears. I went to CRU last night and we sang this song and I had to hold back tears. It makes me feel strong in the decision I made to stop drinking and partying and to make the connection with God that I used to have.

Listen to the whole song! Especially the end..it's so powerful...if you're a believer you will love this song

yay =)

2007-09-28T09:01:00.000-04:00

MMM. So I took my exam and it went well. I pretty much knew what I was talking about so that was nice =)

Justin came over around 1:30 ish to spend the night with me. mmm. He is so patient with me. I couldn't sleep and instead of being a douche and being like "go to bed" he stayed up with me. He knows I dislike being the last one to fall asleep. He is the best guy in the whole world. I wish I could put into words how I feel about him.

Anyway, Grey's Anatomy was on last night. It was pretty good. It's weird not having Addison or Burke. I miss last seasons cast =( And Meredith and Derek broke up. =( And George told Izzie that he loves her too. Like, what the hell? Is there no respect for the institution of marriage these days? haha. I guess not.

Anyway, I have to go pick up Justin's Birthday cookie at 1 today. I am such a homo =) And I am taking him out to dinner tonight and I bought him a nice shirt from American Eagle...in fact....here it is:

CLICKY CLICKY

and I bought him a shot glass and he is getting those gifts tonight and the other part of his gift is a bottle of Grey Goose. Did I mention I am not drinking anymore? Yeah, I'm not. But he drinks occasionally so I thought a bottle of the Goose would be good. So I am planning on picking that up either tonight or tomorrow. It just depends on when the heck he wants to go get it from our friends apartment. It should be a good birthday. I just want him to know that he means a lot to me and I want him to feel good on his birthday cause he is 950 miles away from home and he gets homesick sometimes.

Anyway, has anyone ever heard of To Write Love On Her Arms? Google it if you haven't. It's about recovery for people suffering from Self-Injury, Addiction, and Depression. And Switchfoot supports the cause. It's so awesome.

Love is the movement.
Rescue is possible.

:)

It might not mean much for people who don't battle depression, addiction, or self-injury..but for someone like me...it means everything. It means I'm not alone. It means that there is hope and that you're not a freak for what you do to yourself. It means a lot.

Itchy Fingers

2007-09-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my fingers get this itchy feeling. Not really "itchy" per say but they get this itch to type. They just want to type. It's like they have a lot of energy and they need to release it somehow. So here I go. I need to release some FINGER ENERGY!!!!

So it is midnight. ACTUALLY..it is 12:10. I haven't been up to much. Spent a lot of time with Justin today. Which sucks cause now he has to stay up late tonight doing homework. He has had to stay up late every night this week. And Saturday is his birthday. Remember my first entry about Justin? April 21st I think it was. Anyway, look at it. It's funny. I was looking at it the other night and it made me giggle cause he still makes me laugh just as much.

I don't really know what to talk about, but like I said...my fingers want to type for some reason. I really should be going to bed, but I'm not going to. And I'm not going to any classes tomorrow. My speech class got canceled and it's the only class that takes attendance. I am taking tomorrow as a FREE DAY to wake up, take a walk, run errands, work out, study study study, and get some rest so friday morning at 7:30 in the AM i am ready to ACE my history exam :) I know I am going to. HAVE FAITH IN ME YA'LL!

Okay, I am gonna go. I have to make a schedule for tomorrow and then make a list of stuff I have to buy from Wal-Mart. Shampoo and Q-tips and bottled water...and the list goes on..blahhhh

NIGHT EVERYONE! :)

love this picture.

2007-09-24T10:14:00.001-04:00

I love this picture so much. I am so happy.

yo yo!

2007-09-24T09:30:00.001-04:00

Oh dear. I can't find the memory card for my digital camera which means no videos until I find it! BLAH!

I just wanted to write really quickly and let ya'll know I am still alive. I can't say things are amazing right now, but things are going alright. I'm in that awkward state of suspension where I just made a big decision in my life and I am waiting to see how it manifests itself into my daily life.

I wish I could explain but I am still so exhausted from talking about it so much last night that the last thing I want to do is talk about it some more. Anyway, that's all.

Bye loves =)

Having a good day!

2007-09-20T12:47:00.001-04:00

I am having a good day today :) I think I might actually be getting this whole eating thing down. Sure, maybe it would be healthier to eat 3 small meals a day or something of that sort, but I just can't do that. I eat one big lunch and then a snack at night. Last night my snack was raspberries. Today my lunch was a grilled cheese sandwich, about 10-15 fries, a couple forkfuls of mashed potatoes, and a cookie! I am so stuffed now that eating will not enter my mind for the rest of the day, but I make myself eat a small snack at night anyway just to keep that full feeling going. If I don't, the full feeling goes away around 11 or 11:30 and I get ravenous and eat everything. Anyway, and last night I played ball with Justin for an hour. We shot around a little bit and then played a game to 11 since we only had a certain amount of time...he wanted to play til 21 but it would have taken all night. Anyway, so we played and I beat him 11-2. =) We played make it take it. I am 5'7" almost 5'8" and he's around 5'10" and he couldnt understand why I kept getting rebounds over him. It's cause I got the ups =)

Anyway, so...back onto my diet. I like it because I get to eat! And I am still losing weight. Yes, the thought of fasting or the thought of throwing my food back up HAS entered my mind. In fact, my tummy is so full right now that throwing my food back up would be an amazing feeling, but I have to extract my point of view from the big picture because of course I am going to be bias and think that throwing up is good because it will leave me with an empty tummy, but I have to trust that tomorrow I will wake up feeling smaller.

I just can't do the fasting thing anymore. I am too busy and too on the go to be doing that. Plus with me drinking on the weekends all the time, it's not good. I have not had one sober weekend since I've been to school. And I don't plan to make this weekend my first. haha :)

Okay, Well...I am off. I have to go with Justin to the car dealership. Later.

lots to do!

2007-09-19T12:57:00.000-04:00

I am such a lazy bum! Why am I always so unproductive on the days that I have the most free time? Shouldn't those be the days that I "carpe diem"? Shouldn't I take those days for all they're worth and go out and take a walk and do my laundry and get some extra reading in?

Perhaps.

But it's never how it works out. Instead I lay in bed after I get done with classes at 9:20. I lay in bed til 12:30 and then I get up and eat lunch and then do nothing. But at 1:30 I am going to clean my room and do laundry. Let's just hope that no one is downstairs monopolizing all the washing machines. After I get done with those things I need to begin studying for my exam tomorrow. WAAA :( I hate exams.

So I posted a video on youtube! And I got such an awesome response! I sort of posted it and then read one or two comments and then went to bed and awoke with somewhere around 18 comments. It was just the step I needed to get me back into wanting to make videos :)

I just ate lunch. I am trying to balance my food intake. For a couple days I was eating 3 meals a day. I can't handle that. My tummy doesn't have the room in it to handle all that. And the week before that I wasn't eating anything at all. So I am taking it one day at time and right now I am settling on one meal a day and maybe a small snack sometime in the evening. Today I ate a salad and about 15 french fries...maybe less and a breadstick and a cookie. Good lunch. And now I am stuffed to the gills which will keep me full up until way later tonight. One of these days I am going to get my eating habits under control.

Well, I am off. I must separate my laundry before I go do it. I hope ya'll are having a good day!

I'm alive!

2007-09-19T00:27:00.001-04:00

I'm alive! Don't worry! I doubt anyone even reads my blog anymore! I have been so awful with writing for the past month or so. School has been adventurous and fun and everything else that college can be! Let me fill you in on the various aspects of my life lately:

Things with Justin and I:
Things are amazing :) When I am with him, I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. No matter what pain or heartache I have suffered in the past, it is completely worth it because it brought me to the point in my life that I am and there is no where else that I would rather be. When he kisses me I know that there is no other pair of lips I ever want to kiss again. When he holds me in his arms, I have never felt safer. When he smiles at me right before he kisses me....mmmm, it makes me fall in love with him all over again. I didn't know it was possible to be this happy, but it totally is :) I have never been so happy and so in love.

Friends and socially:
Things in this situation are awkward a little bit. I don't really feel like telling the whole story because I don't feel like reliving icky memories, but let's just say a girl who i am friends with sat on Justins lap on Saturday night and doesn't see any problem with it and now Justin and I and her and our friend are all trying to work it out. UGH. This is why I can't stand girls sometimes.

School:
It's going good. My stress levels are considerably reduced from last year. I gave a speech today on the speakers bureau here at my school. haha. I was super shaky the whole time. I fumbled a little bit. Hopefully I won't get a bad score :(

So as you see, things are going good. I uploaded a video to youtube tonight. Just a sort of "I'm alive and I might start making videos again" type of thing :)

Welp, I guess that's it. I will see ya'll around!

Drama

2007-09-17T09:57:00.000-04:00

I hate girls in general. They cause a shitload of unnecessary drama. I will explain later today/tonight..when I am bored and don't have anything to do....for now, it is a short nap before class...

:(

2007-09-06T22:13:00.000-04:00

long story short, i have picked up bad eating habits again which would include not eating at all as well as me throwing up.

for the first time in two month, i threw up my food today =(

stupid me. stupid me.

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone......

2007-09-03T13:02:00.001-04:00

I am leaving in an hour to head back up to school. YAY. I miss Justin and I can't wait until I am in his arms again =)

Lewis, I made a profile...lol..finally. Just for you. I had actually been meaning to for quite some time, but it just always slips my mind.

I don't have a whole lot to write right now. I am just trying to kill some time before I leave.

I think I will get on and write later. My parents just got home and I need to make sure I have everything for sure. I will write tonight and let you all know how my trip back up to school went. Later! <3

OH, hey

2007-09-02T22:29:00.001-04:00

Why hello my darling little children. How ya'll doing? =)

I had a fairly good day. I got some glow in the dark stars to put in my dorm room. haha. I would =) And I spent time with my family and saw my best friend in the whole world. It's so hard because I feel like things have changed a little bit between her and I. But it's still nice to just be with her and talk to her. She is my only friend that I'm not afraid to look stupid in front of. We are completely vulnerable when it comes to each other. We always laugh when we're together. Aw. I love my best friend. So much. Sure, I have my party crew, but nothing is better than that best friend that makes you feel like you're home.

I am about to start my period. I am super bloated and I feel gross. lol. ewww.

I head back up to school tomorrow. I am excited about getting to see Justin, but I always miss my hometown whenever I have to go back. Once I am up there I am fine and good, it's just driving up there makes me sad =(

Anyway, I better get going. I have a lot of stuff to do.

Later :)

hahaha

2007-09-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

Aww, I am sorry =( I did not mean to scare anyone with my lack of updates. I have just been super busy with classes and Justin and actually having a fooking social life! I seriously am always getting invited to do things and it was never like this last year! I already am booked for the next three weekends. I will never leave such a long interim between posts ever again. I absolutely promise. Even if I just log on to say "YO, i'm alive and doin' good" then I will.

Speaking of food, though. I have been doing really good with the whole food issue. It's been, what? Like...a month and a half since I last threw up :) (well, uhh..intentionally and not alcohol related..lol) But as I learn to be okay with my weight, the more I realize I am unhappy with it. I want to lose some weight, but I want to do it the healthy way. It's so daunting to think about that, though. Because healthy means slow and I am not patient when it comes to weightloss so cutting back on calorie intake turns into severe restriction and a 30 minute workout turns into a 4 hour workout.

I will keep ya'll updated on what I am deciding to do about the weightloss.

And P.S. RICHARD...or frank :) Your picture did not scare me at all! haha, I can't believe you even suggested that it would. Love ya! <3

WOW

2007-09-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

I have not written in two weeks! I cannot believe myself!

Everything has been going really well in my life. Classes are great and things with Justin are amazing. I have been working hard during the week and partying hard on the weekends. My first weekend back at school I went and saw Dave and spent time with Justin and my second weekend at school me and my 3 best friends at school (Justin, Sarah, and Staci) drank some and then went to a party and then called it a night. The night night me and Sarah and Staci went to a frat and a couple apartment parties and then we went to Justin's friends house. This weekend..umm..Sarah, Staci, and I went out last night to a frat and an apartment party and then today I drove all the way back home all by myself! I was proud of myself. It is labor day weekend so we don't have school Monday. But I am sad because Justin is in Michigan...I don't get to see him all weekend. Not until Monday :( I miss him so much. Today was the first day we've gone without seeing each other since we got back to school. Weird.

Things are going really good with him. I cannot wait to see what the rest of this school year brings us. It feels so good to have just one person I can count on up at school. I think he is the reason my school year has been so good. I felt so alone last year and it made me want to never leave my room. I didn't trust myself to make friends and I didn't trust other people. So I just stayed alone in my room all the time. But now that Justin is with me I feel like at the end of the day, I have that one constant and that one person who I can call and hug and kiss and they will make me feel better if I am having a bad day. I love it. It feels so nice. And I love him so much. I feel so blessed to have him. Sometimes I wonder how I ever survived without him. He is my rock. <3

haha.

2007-08-15T15:47:00.000-04:00

haha. No. I am not going to abandon my blog...not ever. I just feel like I have been slacking lately when it comes to posting and I never post unless I want to. There have rarely been times when I have posted because I felt like I should. When I post, it's because I want to and I feel like I have something to say. Like today, I definitely have something to say.

So it is almost 4 o'clock and Justin is going to be getting in around 10:30 or 11. I am really nervous. But I am not so nervous about seeing him. I am nervous for school to start. I am so excited and all signs point to "IT'S GONNA BE A HELL OF A YEAR" but for some reason I am still apprehensive. I had a good year last year, but I felt like I was just trying to survive. I wasn't really soaking the experience up. I remember days walking home from class and just feeling so lonely and feeling so unlike myself. Typically I love walking alone because its my time to think and I am confident that I am not walking alone because I don't have friends, but because it is by my choice. And this past school year made me begin to doubt that. I began to think, "I am walking alone because I have no friends. I am eating alone because I have no friends". haha. Truth be told I ate alone so no one would pressure me to eat when I didn't want to. But other things like me locking myself in my room on a Friday night and refusing to leave. What was wrong with me? And I knew it made me unhappy to be so shut off from the rest of the world, but I did it anyway. I am a stupid person sometimes. I guess I am going to be anxious about this school year until I am immersed into the atmosphere of being a college student again and hopefully, with the new confidence and new way of thinking, I will be able to grow this year. It really helps that I have a boyfriend who loves spending time with people. Not only that, but I don't want to be the person I was last year and I don't want him to ever see that side of me.

As I said earlier, all signs point to a good year. My classes are exactly the kind of classes that I love and I am so glad I switched my major to Psychology. And I have a bunch of friends that have apartments so that means lots of parties =) And I have someone up there that I can count on. I have Justin. It's so nice to know that I have that one constant in my life. I have never been the type of person who needs to be constantly surrounded by people if I have that one close person. I didn't have that up at school so I felt like I didn't have anyone who absolutely had my back no matter what. I didn't feel like I had anyone to lean on when things got really tough. I didn't feel like I had anyone to do even stupid small stuff with, like take the bus to wal-mart when I needed something. I was on my own.

The more I type the more I realize how stupid I am being. I really have nothing to be worried or stressed or anxious about. haha. I am a loser....

...I need to go. At least I have everything packed. Now we just need to load it onto the U-Haul. MMMM...okay. I am out. Bye!

Disconnect

2007-08-14T22:05:00.001-04:00

I can't believe I went from being obsessed with this thing and writing every day, to not writing at all hardly ever. Maybe I just don't have anything to write when my life is going okay. I mean, there isn't anything that has been bothering me so I guess I just don't have much to write.

Things are going ace with Justin and I. He will be here in about 24 hours. I can not believe it. 24 hours and I get to spend time with him anytime I want for the next 9 months. It makes me so excited. I told him I want to play scrabble and play with play-doh and do fun things together. I sound like such a 9 year old, but its all stuff I have wanted to do with him all summer, but haven't been able to since he's so far away. He is gonna be here soon, though. And alllllll mine.

I haven't packed yet and I have to load everything into the U-Haul tomorrow. I keep telling myself I am gonna pack and then I don't. I suck. haha. But for real, I am gonna go pack right now. Later.

4 days.

2007-08-11T10:22:00.000-04:00

4 days until Justin is here at my house.
5 days until I head up to school.
6 days until dave matthews band concert.
6 days until Justin and I's 1 month.
7 days until plain white t's play in concert at the mall where i go to school at.
9 days until classes start.
13 days until my friend has her first apartment party and i am plastered in front of justin for the first time (lol)
14 days until I go to Chicago with Justin and my best friend.

So basically the next two weeks is full of excitement and good stuff.

Justin and I have been having some troubles lately, but I think it's for several reasons. He said he thought it was because when I came down there like, the connection between us was so strong and everything was so perfect and it wasn't just like we were your generic boyfriend and girlfriend that are together because they like messing around together and it's someone to keep them company. What Justin and I had when I went down there was like, this closeness that was so strong it was almost crazy. And then I came home and just talking on the phone couldn't support the strong feelings that we had whereas when I was down there we had the hugs and kisses and facial expressions and all the small things we could do to convey the way we felt and when you go back to just the phone, it feels so limiting.

I mean, there are a lot of other reasons, too, obviously but that was just one suggestion and I sort of agree with him. Just 4 more days. I hope these days hurry up and pass me by cause I am about to lose my mind. Nothing is worse than getting a little taste of being with the person you love and then having it ripped away for 2 weeks...lol. But I have 9 months with him so hopefully by the end of the school year we will have our first child......JOKE!!!!! TOTAL JOKE!!!! Ya'll know I would never want to have a baby this early in my life. I got undergrad, plus I need time to go for my Masters..haha. Babies are no where close to being in the picture.

BLAH. I have to go shower. I am having lunch with my friend. But just a reminder of something I want to vent on in my next post..here are some keywords: *his mom*.....*financial*......*when college is done*.......*money*

Kay, I am out =)

Long time

2007-08-10T13:14:00.000-04:00

Sheesh. Such a long time since i've written. I have been busy trying to get stuff ready for school and such. I leave next week on Thursday =) I am super excited.

As far as Justin's mom....I guess she really does like me. She told him that she likes him with me and that he should hold onto me. I guess she just feels like she already has to share her time with their father (his parents are divorced) and so by the time he gets over to her house...its only like..an hour or two until bedtime and so when he talks to me..she feels ignored. I figured thats all it was after I thought about it. But yeah, she really likes me and wants to see me again really soon.

I have so much to do today. I will write tonight or tomorrow. I promise. I just have been busy =\

much better!

2007-08-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

Hey. I am doing much better today as far as hangovers go. LOL. I started my period today, though, so I have been feeling kind of crappy because of that. I didn't get caught by my parents or anything. I am surprised, though, because I ran into the wall a bunch of times and ran into doorways and hit the door on the sink in the bathroom with my knee and it hurt like a bia. But my parents sleep pretty soundly and they trust me and I run into stuff even when I am sober so I guess they figured it was just me being me. I am surprised they didn't hear the intense puking into my trashcan. And yes, I ate right before I went over to my friend. I had like..a whole bowl of raspberries...4 pieces of toast...and some cereal. I was STUFFED before I went over there. I made sure I ate a lot before I went over and I still managed to get sick and puke it all back up. lol. Yeah, my stomach muscles hurt all day yesterday and today, too. I feel like I did like, a zillion sit-ups. haha. I am going over to my friend's apartment on Friday to have girls night and drink margaritas and get hammered...mmm..sounds like fun =D

Anyway, there is something that has been bothering me. Justin's mom is super super nice. Her and I have a lot in common, but I feel like she doesn't like Justin talking to me so much and my suspicions were completely confirmed last night. Since I have gotten back from Texas, Justin has been ignoring me. Okay, not ignoring..but just doesn't seem as into talking to me as usual and I talked to him about it and I told him how much I feel like he is "fitting me in" and how I am sick of having to stay up until 1 in the morning so I can talk to him. And he said he was sorry and he would work on it and then it never got fixed so I got really upset last night and wouldn't answer his calls (juvenile, I know) so he dropped all his plans to talk to me and make sure to get things worked out between him and I. It was nice getting to talk to him before 11:30 at night and it felt nice for like, the first time in forever I was an actual priority in his life. And so we were talking and his mom kept interrupting and kept coming in and telling him she needs to talk to him and all of a sudden he had to go and he called me back like, 10 minutes later and said he couldn't talk anymore because his mom said no and he had to keep his cell phone and computer in the living room so he couldn't get on them at night after she went to bed.

I guess she was upset because it was already 10:30 and he hadn't spent much time with her, but the thing is...he asked her to see a movie with him and she said no and he asked her to play a game with him or something and she said no, and then she got mad at him for spending time talking to me instead of spending time with her. And so she went to bed around 10:30 and made him put everything in the living room. Well, I thought about it...and my parents and I had been talking about this, but it was in relation to a different situation...not Justin and I. Well, I think his mom is slightly jealous of me. Ya know? She is divorced and a single mom raising 3 boys and Justin is the oldest. He is the mature one who sort of keeps things together a lot of the time and he is the man of the house and then I come along and I start snatching up all the attention he usually gives her. He used to bring her flowers randomly..now he brings me flowers randomly. He listens to my problems and tells me he loves me and I think she is jealous. Of course she's still the most important woman in his life, but one day I am going to be the most important and I hope with all of my heart that she doesn't act ridiculous.

I guess my paternal grandma and my mom didn't get along for like...the first 3 or 4 years of my parents marriage because my grandma felt like she should be the most important woman in my dad's life and my mom thought she should be and my grandma was jealous of my mom for taking her son away. My grandma didn't even speak to my mom on her wedding day. Is that what Justin's mom is going to be like? I know the reason she took away his computer and phone isn't so she could spend time with him. It was so he couldn't talk to me. She was going to bed so it wasn't like she wanted to spend time with Justin.

I dunno. I told Justin that him and I need to take a ton of pictures together when we get back up to school and send them to her and show her just how much time he is spending with me and not with her just to piss her off. lol. Of course I would never actually do it, but I thought it was a funny idea.

Okay, I am gonna go to Target. Later darlings <3

fuckkkkkkkkkkkk

2007-08-05T11:07:00.001-04:00

Why the hell do I take shots when I know FULLY WELL that I ALWAYS puke when I take shots?

Fuck. I have the worst headache. Let me tell you about my night.

So my friend, Sarah, came and picked me up and we drove out to our friend, Emily's, house. Us 3 hung out until her boyfriend showed up with the beer pong table a huge cooler full of beer and then two more hand-held coolers full of beer...plus 100 proof vodka but that shit was nasty...damn. It burned the hell out of throat. ANYWAY. So we start crackin' the beers open and chillin and drinking...playing some beer pong and having a good time. Well, we were discussing who was coming later and Scott said, "Brandon" and I was like..damn..cause that was my ex who I have some bad feelings towards. I really dislike him and Scott was like, "damn..you better take a shot then" and we all laughed and thought it was funny so I took a shot and whatever whatever...everything was fine. Well, things were going fine but I played two rounds of beer pong, I took another shot (making it 2 for the night) and I drank who knows how many beers. Okay, so things were okay between Brandon and I until I started acting like a f*cking idiot. lol. Oh well. So I got really sick and I puked......and puked.....and puked...and dry heaved...and had to have my friend help me to her truck so she could take me home. I got home and was knocking into the wall and I was hitting doorways and I was in my room and Justin called and I was talking to him and then another wave of puke hit me, except I didn't have anything in me so I started puking up that disgusting bitter stomach acid gross stuff and GROSS. Then I passed and I woke up this morning still feeling sick, but I drove to McDonalds at 6:30 in the morning and I couldn't even eat cause I felt so sick and so I went back to bed and woke up at like..9:30 and got burgerking and it's 11:15 right now and I feel better but UGH. I hate it when I get like that. Nights like last night are why I barely ever drink. I don't know when to stop. haha.

But I had fun. lol. =)

Relaxing

2007-08-04T11:06:00.000-04:00

MmMm. I am feeling super lazy today. Wait, I feel lazy every day. haha.

11 days until I get to see Justin again. That's it! Only 11 days until I get to be with the guy who makes me the happiest.

Just for my own record:

The first time we said I love you- July 17th at 4:47 in the morning =D
The first time we kissed- July 26th, but I don't know the time.

Anyway, so when I came off the plane, we decided we would meet at baggage claim so I was on the phone with him and I was like "umm, I'm at C29.....umm, I don't see you" and he was like "hold on, i am coming" and like 2 seconds later he like walked around the corner and he had roses and a bottled water! He knows that I am like..one of those freaks that *always* has a bottled water with me. He was like "I figured you might be a little parched" LOL. I totally was, too. And the roses were so pretty =) It was so funny cause he was like, rolling my luggage to his car for me and we were walking out of the airport and he wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to what he was doing and the automatic doors were opening, but obviously not fast enough and so he was like, "Well, welcome to Texas" SMACK!!! And the luggage got caught on the door and ripped him backwards. lmao. I died laughing. I was like..ok....totally a Justin thing to do.

It was so cute. We were at his church and we both agreed that we felt like a married couple. Him in his nice button up shirt and khakis and nice shoes and me in my cute dress and all done up and sitting there with his arm around me. It was just like....total contentedness.

I've been in my fair share of relationships and I have never felt this way in my entire life.

Okay, is there anything else in my life besides Justin? Hmmm, nope. My life is pretty much boring.

Anyway, I got some stuff I have to go get done. I think I am going out tonight to drink...lol. I haven't drank in such a long time...it's sort of sad to be honest. hmm..ok..that's all. Bye

Back from Texas

2007-08-02T14:08:00.001-04:00

I got back from Texas on Monday, but I have been busy seeing friends and being a lazy bum so I haven't written, but Texas was great. We went to the stockyards and went to downtown Dallas and saw a broadway show and we went to Fossil Rim and saw animals and we went to an aquarium and it was amazing. I loved spending time with Justin and I have never been happier in my entire life. I love Justin with all of my heart. We're perfect together =)

Texas Bound!

2007-07-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

Texas Bound baby! I am heading out to Texas tomorrow! My flight takes off at 11:20 A.M. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!

WISH ME LUCK THAT I DON'T GET LOST!!!!!!

I WILL MISS YOU WHILE I AM GONE!

NOT THAT I HAVE WRITTEN MUCH LATELY ANYWAY, THOUGH. HAHAHA.

OK, that's all.

Bye!

Things are better if I stay

2007-07-21T00:22:00.001-04:00

4 days til I got and see Justin :)

And yes! I am American. I just felt like saying chica.

haha. Oh Lord. I am so not in the mood to write in here. I guess I just don't have anything interesting to write. Except that Myles Dyer (Blade376) requested to be my friend on facebook. ??!! Where the heck did that come from? Like, no one on youtube even knows my last name, let alone someone I never talk to. I think the only time I ever talked to him was one time when he messaged me and told me I was hawt. And yes, that is how he spelled it. So I am really not sure how he found me, but he did. I mean, it's cool...but I don't really actively participate in youtube at the moment so who knows.

wow. Youtube is so awkward when you think about it. I remember getting really stinking drunk one night and me and my friend passed in my room and I couldn't sleep so I got online and got on stickam and Damien Estrich was on and so I hopped into his room and I was on cam..DRUNK. And I was being so stupid and he was being so nice about it. He asked for my IM and we talked on IM and I was drunk! Being a complete idiot. We talked like, twice after that cause I feel like everyone knows who he is and then there's stupid ol' me so I never really bothered to IM him after that. Although he did subscribe to me that night so that was cool. I guess I should get drunk on stickam more often.

mmm..yeahh....So I think the song "I must be emo" by Hollywood Undead is freaking hilarious. hahaha. If you can't download the song, then look it up on youtube. I love it the most.

WOW.

2007-07-19T15:06:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in a while. Since Monday I do believe. Hm. Awkward.

I haven't been doing much. I can't believe it's only 6 days until I go and see Justin. I am excited, but so anxious and nervous at the same time. I just hope I don't have an anxiety attack or something on the plane cause I don't have super bad problems with anxiety but sometimes I just can't handle it and it makes me freak out. I just have to keep my mind on others things. I won't be freaking out until the plane lands. I can totally see myself standing in the aisle and waiting for everyone to unload. My hands will start getting clammy and my heart is gonna start beating really fast and it's going to feel like adrenaline is pumping through my veins and all the other stuff that happens to me when I get anxious. I am getting anxious right now just thinking about it. Yikes.

Anyway, new subject. I have been watching a lot of videos on Weight Watchers and I think it's great. My mom joined Weight Watchers like, a year and a half ago and I asked her if I could join and she said she'd let me, but she didn't think I weighed enough to do it. Is that true? Do you have to weigh a certain amount to join Weight Watchers? I think that is stupid if it's true. Just because someone isn't overweight doesn't mean they don't need to eat healthy and exercise.

Speaking of exercise. I am about to lose my mind not being able to exercise hardcore cause of my foot. UGH. I hate it. I hate it. Exercise is my saving grace when I have eaten too much. I go to the gym and feel better, but NO. I just have to live with the mistakes I've made. =( All I can do is bike so I am going to the gym tonight to bike for a while and then do weights and some crunches. It will make me feel better (hopefully).

Anyway, that's all for this chica.

What is wrong with my friends?

2007-07-17T00:39:00.000-04:00

WOW. My friends are ridiculous sometimes. My friend is friends with this one guy. Mind you, this is a different friend from the girl in my last entry. Anyway, this friend of mine is friends with this one guy and they didn't even start hanging out until about a month ago and then a week after they started hanging out he asked her to be his girlfriend and now...3 weeks later..he told her he loves her. Wait, WHAT?

I have been talking to Justin for almost 3 months now and we're not even TOGETHER YET. And we haven't dared mutter the words I love you. BLAH. It just bothers me because I know what type of guy he is. He falls into love just as quickly as he falls out of it. And he is going to break her heart.

I know I sound like I am just complaining about all my friends a whole bunch, but I just don't understand it. I just finally realized that the only way to make a relationship work is to take it slow and let things develop naturally. I don't feel like she did that with this guy. I feel like she got caught up in the fact that he is cute and she has only had one other boyfriend and I think she gets jealous of Justin and I.

It makes me really happy that Justin and I are building our relationship the way it should be built. We care about each other and I think our actions back up any feelings of "I love you" but I don't feel like he really loves her. I feel like he just thinks he loves her and in like, two months it's going to be over and she's going to be DEVASTATED. I don't know. I know Justin loves me. I know he does and when he says it to me, I will know it's real and that he means it. But how could he honestly mean it to her?

I think infatuation can blind people and lead them to believe something that's not true. I think he's the type that needs to have a girlfriend all the time and so he snatched her up cause she is always trying to be all over him and he knew she would be easy (not in a sexual way). And I think he's the type to say I love you no matter who he is with. I just don't think he values "I love you".

Whatever. bahh..enough ramblings on friends for tonight. goooodddbyeee

Being a friend...

2007-07-16T22:46:00.000-04:00

I am in such a pickle when it comes to my best friend. She is my very best friend in the whole world. Like, she is my family basically and even like a second daughter to my parents.

There is this guy she really liked during the school year and they had sex on a regular basis..all year long except for at the very beginning of the school year. Cause at the beginning he was having sex with her roommate as well as his girlfriend. Mind you, he had a girlfriend all year long while he was screwing my friend. And she knew this, too. And she still slept with him regularly. And he was really mean to her and would basically call her fat and make her cry and all this other stuff and make fun of her behind her back and I got so mad at her so many times during the school year because it was like he would ruin her self-image and then she would come crying to me and I would have to pick her back up and I would think everything was fine and dandy and she would swear to never talk to him again and then she would go and talk to him again.

Well, she is going to a different college next year and so is he. And he is moving in with his girlfriend and I thought my friend was over him and she promised me she wouldn't talk to him anymore and she STILL IS! OH MY GOSH! It's getting to the point that it's pathetic and I am like, seriously about to just smack her in the face and tell her not to talk to me until she stops being an idiot about this guy.

I try and be SUCH a good friend. It was suppose to be just me and Justin going to the dave matthews band concert but she wanted to be invited so Justin invited her. And Justin and I are planning a trip to Chicago the first weekend after school starts and I invited her along cause she is my best friend and I don't ever want her to feel excluded and I have told Justin that she is my best friend and he understands that and that's why he has no problem if she comes along with us on stuff. But it's like she couldn't even introduce me to this asshole guy cause he was just such an asshole and she was afraid to talk to him in public and she knows I openly disapprove of him and actually LOATHE him so why would she try and talk to him? She tells him all the time how much she misses him and just wants to spend time with him, meanwhile he is moving in with his girlfriend, ignoring my best friends calls, and ignoring her messages. He does not care about her and she just doesn't see it.

She is making herself look like a pathetic loser.

And it makes me happy as hell that I am a strong girl and I wouldn't take crap from someone like him.

ugh.